Tapestry

Full disclosure here, todays theme is brought to you by the good folks of Star Trek.  There was an episode way back where Jean Luc gets to go back in time, courtesy of Q, and fix the mistakes of his youth.  Needless to say, it didn't turn out well for him and he was left a simpering half man bereft of passion.  According to good old Captain Picard.  The notion that by pulling at the frayed uncomfortable threads of your past, you could unravel the you that you know, and hopefully love, is fascinating

We are a product of everything that we have done, said, seen or thought of over the years.  I could no more change my view of stupid people than I could chew my own arm off.  It is who I am now.  I may change in time but I doubt it.  And my past is the reason.  The very fibre of my being has been hard wired, re-wired and re-wired again by everything that has happened to me over the years. Nothing really earth shattering here just a prelude to how I am approaching my thoughts today.

Today my youngest daughter turned 16.  I can't tell you how awesome she is...so accept that she is. All my kids are of course, in their own ways and I'm so proud of the people they are becoming.  It's an honour to watch them grow up.  And while my ex-wife and I don't see eye to eye on many things, we do at least have the kids to be proud of.  So, another milestone and I am feeling reflective again.  I seem to be doing that a lot lately.  And in my fit of reflection I reached out (I hate that phrase by the way) to someone I knew 30 years ago in the hopes that she could connect me with someone else from 30 years ago.  Filling in the holes a little bit and reminiscing over the past can be both fun and painful.  I will admit I was in love with this girl.  She was, to me, the perfect women back then. Bright and positive, beautiful and a good soul.  And as was my habit, because I was so inept with women, I made friends with her.  Yes, I know.  You tool, don't be friends...you can't go from friend to sex.  It doesn't happen.  In my defence, I did know that, as I had suffered through a few of these in high school...but I did it anyway.  And I am glad I did, despite the heart ache. I loved having her as a friend.  And I would be honoured to call her friend again.  I don't regret for a moment anything of the sort from those days....given the chance to go back and change things, I can't see myself changing a thing.  I've said it before, living for the what ifs is not my thing.  I won't be pulling at those frayed uncomfortable threads in my life...they are part of me, for better or for worse.  I won't be sharing them with my kids but they are there.

Socrates says an unexamined life is not worth living.  I tend to agree.  Over thinking is my issue lately but I do like to "think" about things.  Perspective and reason are gained by looking closer.  Not jumping to conclusions or going off the deep end give me an aura of mild mannered professionalism. While inside I am ready to punch you in the brain...or the throat.  Age and experience have given me the ability to be calm....thank God really, otherwise I'm probably in jail right now.  Whatever.

I suppose this blog no one is reading is my way of thinking out things.  Putting word to paper, so to speak, allows me to try and understand what I am going through, what I am thinking  and how to respond to stimuli around me.  Ring, ring....key the salivating.

Well, I hope that wasn't too much rambling and tangential thinking.  If it was, too bad.

Ciao
D