Man of the Hour

I've never really been one to wonder too much about legacy. I think I equate the word with grand designs and buildings adorned with someones name that may or may not be actually remembered. We all know who Rockefeller and Roosevelt were but do we all know who the IWK is named for and why? Does it matter? I suppose to some people it matters a great deal, personally I'm at peace with my relative anonymity so I'm not overly concerned with that version of legacy.

What of my true legacy though? Of course this about my kids and with another milestone celebrated today, my sons 20th birthday, it seems like a good fit for my thought process. Such as it were. The lyrics to Man of the Hour noted here contain one or two ideas that got me thinking in real terms. A) How will my kids remember me? and B) What do I want them to remember? I don't know how much control I actually have over any of this as my kids will remember what they want to remember. Being relative free thinkers they will think as they wish. I know over time the message will change, mature and grow into something else but I do hope in the end they come away with the positives.

Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness

Crashed and on their way

Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away

A snowflake falls in May.

And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out

'Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow

Goodbye for now.

Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land

Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend

Old men comprehend.

And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town

They'll all come around

Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow

Good bye for now.

And the road

The old man paved

The broken seams along the way

The rusted signs, left just for me

He was guiding me, love, his own way

Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow

As the curtain comes down

I feel that this is just goodbye for now 

Pearl Jam

Though far from a perfect man I'd like to think that my "little birds" will take away the real life lessons that they would have seen and heard with me as their father. The stupid jokes and somewhat funny stories. The absolute belief in being at peace with yourself and happy in your life. The work ethic. The embrace of plurality and free thinking. These to me are the important things. It's not if I was famous or rich, it's about the manner of man I was when I leave behind this life for....for I don't even know what. 

Where, when and how it all comes to an end can be questions that cripple you if you let them. Even when diagnosed with cancer I spent very little time worrying about whether or not I was going to die. If my prognosis was negative I probably would have been affected differently but I can't see it as something that would have debilitated me, I'm just not wired that way. I know that I have thought of the end in terms of what I am willing to put up with as far as quality of life and what kind of celebration I'd like to have when ready to kick the bucket as opposed to having kicked it already. In my mind, a life celebration is much more relative when I'm still, you know. alive. Given the opportunity I would have the big send off, a gathering of friends and family, a few libations, good food, music and of course, stories. 

All of this somehow led me to think of the movie St. Vincent. A wonderful film starring Bill Murray, give it a go sometime because I think it's a winner of a film. There is a scene near the end when the little kid that Vincent befriended is nominating him for saint hood...

“On the surface, my choice is the least likely candidate for sainthood. He’s not a happy person. He doesn’t like people and not many people like him. He’s grumpy, angry, mad at the world and I’m sure full of regrets. He drinks too much, smokes. He gambles, curses, lies and cheats. And he spends a lot of time with a lady of the night. That’s what you see at the first glance. If you dig deeper, you’ll see a man beyond his flaws. Mr Vincent MacKenna, growing up poor, learned all the things kids shouldn’t need to know: fighting, cursing and gambling…In Vietnam, he heroically saved the lives of two wounded officers and carried them to safety. He was awarded a Bronze Star for his bravery.”

Punctuating the notion that just seeing the surface of someone isn't seeing the whole of them. I think we are all flawed in this way, our prejudices, our notions, our assumptions give us shelter and all the ammunition we would ever need to sweep away someone that doesn't fit our idea of "sainthood". I hope in the end the people that will be looking back on my life, on my legacy, will remember Oscar Wilde:

“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”

I faltered often, I chose the wrong path a few times but in the end I did more good than bad. Although, I must admit...some of my bad was pretty damn good.

Ciao

D

Elbow Warfare

In my guise of mild mannered chef extraordinaire I do a pretty good job of hiding some of my more extreme proclivities. Nobody would know that I can swear with the best of them or that I have a disdain for stupidity....right? I know, you're shocked. Let me shock you some more. I'm opinionated sometimes. I even, from time to time, feel strongly about things. Told you it was shocking. You're shocked because I hide it so well...you would never had known any of this if I hadn't told you just now. Well, maybe if you had spent two minutes of your day with me or read just about any other blog post here on Throat Punchers Unite. Maybe.

What I'm saying is that despite what you may know or have read I actually am a pretty calm sort of fellow. I rarely blow up anymore and I hardly ever get angry, despite having many things around me that do cause me to question the path of peace. What I've learned over time is that there really is no point in losing your shit. The sun will come up tomorrow regardless of what may be ruining your life right now. This too shall pass. But I'll be the first to admit that it can be all sorts of fun to lose it on occasion.

The old saying that you shouldn't poke a bear is very apropos for me. I ignore most pokes simply because I don't have the time or the inclination to get tangled up with most people, I'm content being happy and doing my thing. Still, I have been known to go ballistic and when I do, I usually do it to set a precedent or warn people that maybe, just maybe, I'm not to be trifled with. Of course this comes from my work world and the general reputations that chefs have of being, how shall we put it, crazy ass fuckers. I think it comes from the fact that we work in a regimented system with fire, raw meat and sharp knives at our disposal. In my kitchen, my word is law. I don't flaunt it in anyway because I believe in the team but everyone knows that if I say this is the way it is than that's the way it is. But back to the losing it rationale...

I believe in the idea that every once in awhile you have to let people see what the bad side of the equation can be like, in an effort to keep everyone honest and knowing who the boss really is. I call it throwing an elbow, publicly. Going off the deep end shows people that maybe you're not as mild mannered as they they thought thus meaning that you never really know what could happen should you decide to piss the chef off. Granted, I haven't done this since 2010 so you can imagine that either I am due or I have left it all behind me in a sort of zen like co-existence with my fellow culinarians. I think it's option two by the way.

In the past, when I have lost it, they were generally epic moments of anger released in somewhat controlled explosions of not only verbal lashing but verbal lashing with my chef voice. Supposedly it's scary. And supposedly I have a look that can scare satan himself but I don't know anything about that. What these moments of furious anger did was put everyone within my sphere of influence on notice...don't fuck with me. Do your job you moronic moron and leave me the fuck alone. Nice eh? Whatever. Like I said, they are far and few between and not since the epic Oak Island release of 2010 has anyone seen it. I cleared an entire room of cooks and servers in that one....but it accomplished exactly two things, released pent up frustration and made the person that was pissing me off finally stop. Bonus points for reminding everyone around that the bear was still alive.

Seeing how I don't actually care for that sort of expression I'm glad it has faded to black in my life. In retrospect though it is clear to me now that there were other factors at play. You can guess what they are if you have read a few posts here but being unhappy in one part of your life can easily translate to other parts. Time and perspective have shown me what these things were. Thankfully life is now much more relaxed with me and I know that there are a few main reasons...all to do with the aforementioned perspective and outlook. Things are good that way my friends.

Everyone in my business has seen or been a part of this, almost as if it is bred within our kind to be our trait. Gladly it is fading, like the Brooklyn accent, it is starting to disappear. Sure there are too many pockets of it around but generally speaking it is becoming a thing of the past. Youngsters coming up in the business won't tolerate it anymore, HR will have something to say, social movements akin to #metoo will expose you to the light of day and the norms of our business are adapting to a new reality, slowly to be sure, but surely to be clear.

Ciao
D

Would You Rather

That all too familiar conversation go to that can shed some light on the people you're talking to. Would you rather eat 10 crickets or 1 large spider? It goes well with the "would you do this for a million dollars?" The "this" being something outrageous of course. These are time fillers and they are delving questions that can put the game of Scruples to shame. One can learn a lot about people by watching them with animals and with those that serve...the quality of your character becomes apparent rather quickly when you got a dog licking your face or your waitress has screwed up your order. And just as true you can get a sense of someone when they answer questions like would you rather be able to fly for a day or be invisible for a day? Psycho-semantics aside it can be illuminating on may levels when a question is asked and answered.

In the category of what would you do for a million dollars, I was asked once if I would suck a dick for a million dollars. My answer was no. Nobody believed me but I stick by my half jokey response which was as follows: I was married at the time so one could assume that my then wife would wonder where I got the extra money lying around and once the reason was explained...bam!! Half the money gone in the divorce. Not to mention legal fees. So now I performed fellatio on a guy for $400,00. One can assume that I would have had to have gone "all the way" with said fellow, correct? Well, while I have no issue with anyone's sexual leanings, I am a man smitten with women. I have no interest in parts that I already posses. Therapy is expensive I hear. God only knows how much money that would eat up. Lastly, I provided a service in return for payment...Revenue Tax Guidelines stipulate I'm going to owe income tax and HST on that income. Seriously, at the end of the day I might have faced Mr Smiley for $20,000...no sirree bub!! Told you my brain works funny.

Right now you're questioning two things. A) Why are we even friends and B) Where did that come from. Well, you'll need to decide for yourself on why we are friends but the second thing I can try to answer. Aside from my slightly bent way of looking at the world my tangential brain brought me here. Often someone will be talking about a subject, say spiderwebs and language, and the images that become part of my interpretation take over and bam!!!...I'm recalling the dick sucking story.

Now I realize I need to explain the spiderwebs. In what I assume was an English Lit course a new friend was talking about a question that was posed to the class. If language was a spiderweb, would you rather be the fly or the spider? That's the starting point and one of my tangents brought you the above story. I set out to write one thing and something else entirely comes out.

That question is very interesting to me. My gut reaction was to say the spider of course, probably I'm equating myself with the dominant species in this epic battle. But delve a little deeper and I'm not so sure. The spider weaves the web and controls its purpose. the fly gets caught in the web and has to deal with being stuck there. In literary terms, that fly is now "caught" in the web of words. Open for exploration and discovery. The intricacies of the story suck you in and keep you long after you have escaped.  There are so many ways that words can be interpreted, so in essence the fly gets a richer experience because while the spider wove the words, the arachnid already knows what the words mean. Nothing to see here for the spider. Yes, they had the talent to weave that web, a skill for which I have nothing but respect for, but it seems to me the victor is the fly, because they can experience the story in a multitude of ways. Eyes wide open. All of them.

And how's that for proof of weird brain activity. Seriously. Why are you still here? Whatever the reason I'm happy you are.

Ciao
D

If I Had a Million Dollars

I wish mightily that I would win the lottery. I day dream about it. Not because I think it will bring me happiness, I already have that and oh, you can't buy that anyway. No, I think it affords options and opens up doors that may be closed because like it or not, you need a wad of cash to do a lot of things that would help one check off bucket list dreams. So what do I dream of doing with my winnings...

Travel would obviously be something I am very interested in. For the adventure, the food, the wine, the history and for meeting the world as they live. Despite my millions I wouldn't be a hotel dweller. Nor would I purchase lavish properties all over the place, who needs that kind of headache? No, I would be the rent an apartment kind of guy. Live like the locals I say. Maybe from time to time a villa of some sort to splurge. I'll tell you what else, I'd charter flights to where I'm going. A few thousand dollars an hour seems like an extravagant thing but not against having to be packed like cattle breathing regurgitated fart air. Besides, I'm loaded right? Yes, travel would be my thing. My friends won't ask me how I'm doing but where am I now?

Having said that I will still live where I'm living. Get a simple house somewhere in the city that offers me what I want. A nice kitchen to entertain in, a roof top sanctuary if possible and a bowling alley in the basement...OK, maybe not the last part.

My family would be blessed with a few fazools to make life a little easier. Supportive parents and siblings would not need to worry about their bank accounts again. My kids would be taken care of in increments. Sorry kiddos, you're not buying yourself a Tesla at age 20. Over time and in responsible ways you will have access to a few bucks to go along with whatever you're earning.

My closest friends will be gifted some as well. People that I know to be true friends, that have no agenda and wouldn't even think of asking for money would be getting something to brighten their day.

After that though I'd look to see how I could help others. And I'm not talking about the grand gesture that might get my name on the side of a building and not just charity giving for the sake of giving. I'd like to offer substantive change in peoples lives. Micro loans that I care not about getting back. Pitch me your idea and if all goes well, here's a hug and $5000, go forth and dare to dream. I'd like to get involved with setting up a training facility for people to learn skills that they can use to help themselves and others over the long term. Pair it with Feed Nova Scotia so that there can be a multitude of ways that these skills are used to benefit the community. Efforts that can actually do good in the short and long term.

So what would actually happen after winning the jackpot? Well, I think I would work my last two weeks. You may not believe it but yes I would. I may not be very useful but I would, out of respect, do my time. I might be a little bit of a shit disturber too but hey, I would do that anyway. And after that, the adventure begins. You hear so often of people that are miserable after coming into money of that nature. They've blown it all or they never thought it possible that out of something so seemingly positive so much negativity would come. Maybe the Gods are playing jokes again? I think, as with all things, perspective matters. Buying a new boat and a Tesla will not make you happy. Maybe you can park it beside happy but that's not the same thing. You need to be happy. With yourself, with your life and with your place in history. You don't need to be dancing a jig all the time, life ebbs and flows like the ocean after all, but you do need to be at peace with where you are. I think after that the money is simply gravy.

Yes, I dream of this life often. I've worked my days and done my fair share so I think it's not to much to ask for. Right?

Ciao
D

Birds of a Feather

When you have a moment grab your handy encyclopedia in your hand, aka your cell phone, and watch a video for me, search murmuration of starlings and be prepared to be amazed. Truly a beautiful sight of nature. Mesmerizing.

It turns out that this behaviour is likened to herd behaviour in land animals and shoaling behaviour of fish. When I first saw this I thought what would cause this kind of behaviour and I came to the conclusion it had to with either sex or survival. Some of our basest needs sometime need elaborate responses. Peacocks and their tail feathers, cats making themselves look larger in defence mode, men standing beside cars or with their shirts off in profile pictures, military parades to show that we have bigger ones than you...and so on. Nature, you are a funny one.

Like many things in the natural world, this can be partially explained using physics. In response to a nearby predator these starlings have banded together in a defensive display to ward off a falcon or Drumphs hair piece. Where the physics comes in is in what is known as critical transitions, described as:

"systems that are poised to tip, to be almost instantly and completely transformed, like metals becoming magnetized or liquid turning to gas. Each starling in a flock is connected to every other. When a flock turns in unison, it’s a phase transition"

That's incredible and beyond my understanding other than the simplest scratching of the surface. This flock of birds will turn and speed up or slow down just as their neighbour will do. In unison they will move, not only with their closest ally but even with those furthest away. It suggests that the birds have a connection of sorts with every other bird. One we mere mortals cannot yet understand much less quantify. To quote Jim Morrison; "There are things known, and things unknown, and in between are the Doors." We know many things but the vastness of what we do not know, cannot explain or even comprehend is truly staggering. Walking through the doors of discovery, being open to new ideas and possibilities...well, that is one thing that makes life truly exciting and magical.

Stephen Hawking died this past week and a great mind has been released to the cosmos. His physical limitations didn't stop him from using God's greatest creation, that lump of grey matter between our ears. He envisioned and theorized about concepts that are beyond most of us, challenged norms and pushed boundaries to open up the door to new discoveries and new ways of seeing. What if we, like the starlings, were connected to him and in turn to each other in such a way. If we could feel the connection and be able to act upon it. Think of the possibilities. Ponder the idea that if we understood that we actually are connected maybe we wouldn't treat each other so poorly. The stuff of science fiction, maybe even fantasy, but tell me I'm wrong. In the grand design of our world just about every species can show this flock behaviour to be a positive thing in the face of danger. They are hard wired that way. They seem to have on some level, a connection to each other. Do we think somehow that humans were spared this particular gift? The creator said, look I'll give you free will and opposable thumbs at some point but you'll lose the ability to feel each other. Nah...I don't buy it. I simply think we need to figure it out somehow. I believe there has been enough in our past to show that this is true, remarkable people doing remarkable things for the betterment of us all. 

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,

And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth

Of sun-split clouds, --and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of --Wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there

I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung

My eager craft through footless halls of air...

Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue

I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace

Where never lark or even eagle flew --

And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod

The high untrespassed sanctity of space,

Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

John Magee

Ciao
D

That Was Unexpected

"Quando dio vuole castigarci, ci manda quello che desideriamo"

"When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers"

Yes, I'm riffing on a quote again, Sorkins no less, but to be fair, he was riffing on Oscar Wilde...so there. So what shall we discuss today? Careful what you wish for? Better the devil you know than the one you don't? The grass is always greener on the other side? Tuberculosis? The last one was a Seinfeld thing to see if you were paying attention.

It's been an interesting and eventful time for me. My daughter has been accepted into medical school, thus relieving her of a certain amount of uncertainty and stress. I mentioned to my super that I'd like to explore the idea of getting out of my lease and he pretty much has me on the clock now since he has all but rented the apartment out already....I should just learn to keep my mouth shut. Throw in a medical appointment or two and you have a busy few days around Chez Orovec. The big thing is obviously the medical school news. So proud of her and all the work she has done to get there, but in many ways this just the beginning. The beginning of a new set of challenges. I'm certain she will excel but I'm also certain that the stresses of today will give way to other stresses. That's both the curse and beauty of life, it never ends. We just keep moving the goal posts. 

I can just hear the conversation sometime next fall; why the hell did I want to get into medical school? Holy crap all the work, all the stress....GAH!!!! By getting exactly what she hoped for, she may very get more than she bargained for. Personally I'm not so fatalistic to think that the Gods are out to get me or anyone else but I know of a lot of people that do feel that way...so I'm left wondering if they question God when something bad happens. Does he answer all prayers? Yes they say, but sometimes the answer is no and sometimes the answer is what you wished for and you end up cursing the living hell out of it all. GAH!!!!

I wonder if sometimes we spend so much energy on wishing and working for some desired utopia that we miss the good things along the way. And when we do get that thing that our hearts so desired we are left less than impressed and thinking that maybe it was the next thing over we were really looking for. The big thing. Ignore all else and focus on the big thing.

Years ago, a real estate agent that we had used when we bought our first home in Lunenburg to be converted to a B & B, was having a chat with me over a coffee. We were essentially sharing a bit of gossip around another property in town that we were contemplating buying. A much larger but much more lucrative opportunity. It seems the people that had purchased it barely a year ago were looking to get out because of the marriage breaking apart. I was a tad shocked to think that someone could enter into such a huge endeavour if their marriage was rocky, then my friend said something a little prophetic...sometimes people think that by doing a large thing together the "little" problems will fade away. I probably would have missed the irony if at that time my marriage was on the rocks because I'm stupid that way but his bit of wisdom proved to be true years later.

Too often we miss the signs of discontent in our lives because of all the noise around us. The kids, work, mortgage payments, the car needs new tires and so on and so on. In the midst of all this we dream of some vision that will make it all seem right. Perhaps a trip to the Greek Isles to rekindle love. A grand gesture to right a wrong. But as I touched upon in my last post, the real issues seem to be shunted off in favour of the immediate. We haven't had a true meandering conversation about "us" in 5 years but sure let's go sit on a beach and ignore that for a little while longer.

While we pray to the Gods for whatever it is we think we want we may be missing the better part of our lives. The dogged pursuit of greener pastures or the plum job can mask what we maybe should be focusing on. Don't ask me what that is of course, I simply know what it might be for me. I'm good with that. My fortune cookie wisdom works for me, I'll share if you want but really you need your own cookie.

Photo courtesy of my talented friend Margo

Ciao
D

Do You See The Light?

I had some time to kill last week one day while waiting around for some Taxi Dad duties so I found myself at the library with an enjoyable way to spend some time. I was thumbing through magazines looking for something to read and I came across The Atlantic. In particular I started reading an article on why people cheat. Now, don't worry, this isn't about breaking commandment number seven, I came across a quote (go figure) that struck me. I took a picture of it because I knew I wanted to explore it when I had the time.

"To doggedly look for marital flaws in order to understand cases like Priya's is an example of what's known as the "Streetlight Effect." A drunk man looks for his keys not where he dropped them but where the light is. Human beings have a tendency to look for the truth in places where it is easiest to search rather than the places where it is likely to be."

That's a very interesting idea to me but I don't think I would classify it as a tendency as mush as human nature. I think we do look for the easy answers, the clichéd responses. When faced with the myriad of daily complexities that come our way it's the easy road that is often taken. Instead of taking the time to think about what it is that we are looking for and explore the possibilities of what may really be going on.

For some reason I was invited to a local university  to sit on a business panel for a Q & A discussion. While I sat there cursing my inability to say no and wondering what kind of jokes I could get away with and would they even be understood by the young faces in front of me I thought of the great opening scene from the show The Newsroom. Will McAvoy goes completely off the rails on a Q & A panel answering the question: what makes America the greatest country on earth? Would I? Could I? Given the opportunity would I stand up on the soap box and shout at the sky as he did below?

"And with a straight face, you're gonna tell students that America's so star-spangled awesome, that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom, Japan has freedom, the UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Belgium has freedom. So 207 sovereign states in the world, like 180 of them have freedom. And yeah, you, sorority girl. Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there's some things you should know, and one of them is, there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force, and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only 3 categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined. 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20 year old college student. But you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst, period, generation, period, ever, period, so when you ask, 'What makes us the greatest country in the world?' I dunno know what the fuck you're talking about! Yosemite? It sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons, we passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons, we waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors. We put our money where our mouths were, and we never beat our chest. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, acted like men. We aspired to intelligence, we didn't belittle it, it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in our last election, and we didn't we didn't scare so easy...Huh. We were able to be all these things, and to do all these things, because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore."

Of course this is a Sorkin moment and I am not in the habit of going off the rails, but you want to know something? I did have a moment or two where I, in my way, gave a different response from my fellow panellists. For example, in response to a student question around conflict resolution, I manged a little extemporaneous ramblings on Pareto's Law and the fact that the customer is hardly ever right. It came out of nowhere and actually sounded, at least to my ears, partially coherent. I didn't look for the answer in the light, but in the shadows. We know the easy answer is simply that, easy. It might be right but often it is wrong or too simple. Life is not black and white. We aren't binary creatures so why would the answers be binary.

By no stretch am I innocent of the easy answer in my own life, I respond as many of us would to the questions around our lives. But more and more I have noticed my desire to delve deeper. To ask the questions and to look elsewhere for answers. The status quo is not always going to be acceptable. So maybe I am learning and growing more or maybe I'm simply more in tune with that in my own life. I seek it out now from others. Keep the canned answers along with the canned laughter...on a shelf far from me.

I love the fluidity and meandering nature that conversations can take these days. An afternoon sipping latte's and not talking about the weather is near perfection for me. When I get asked what I like to do for fun when out on a date my answer is this, this very thing we are doing. It matters not if it's over a meal, a glass of wine or as we drive to nowhere, I want to be informed and to have context and meaning thrown up at me while asking and answering questions. Socrates declared "an unexamined life is not worth living" while choosing death over exile. Ballsy. I wouldn't go that far but I can certainly appreciate the sentiment.

A lot of what has transpired over the past five years for me personally can be traced back to the simple fact that communication, true communication, was lost to my ex and I. The few times we did more than scratch the surface it was generally kept to the well lit areas. Casting about for answers but more often than not, something or someone to blame. Afraid to go into the dark lest a hard truth be found. Sad.

I won't easily go down the road ever again. If my mantra these days is about living out loud in a manner that befits being alive than just as important will be fidelity to the idea that to be in a living state we must be willing to see and experience all that we have to offer, through a prism of honesty and an acceptance that there is life in the darkness as well as the light.

Ciao
D

Finding Your Voice

Here's the setting. The living room in our new house in the fall of 2008. There is an election going on with Harper the Numbnutz leading the Conservatives and Stephane Dion leading the Liberals. From all indicators, as I recall, the Harperites were going to win so this whole episode was really for nothing. Mr Dion, being pure Quebecois, had difficulty with the English language, his heavy accent coupled with having to translate in his head hindered him in getting his message out. For better or worse his ideas on the "green shift" as he called it, were not very well received. Perhaps a case of too much too soon but he was crucified for his ideas.

Anyway, there we are sitting around the TV watching the minor scandal being reported on one evening. Seems that the local "newsman" asked Stephane a question that left the audience confused and Mr Dion sounding confused and befuddled. Side note here, I watched the interview and the question was answered, but because of the above mentioned issue the answer seemed half formed and confused. The anchor was as much to blame for being an idiot but that's another story. The story here is when my ex wife turned to me and said "so, you're voting for him?" in a disdainful way showing how she felt about Mr Dion. Now, I would have simply nodded and let it alone, not being one to instigate a fight. My ex knew full and well my thoughts but I think she felt like she had the upper hand somehow because her sister was there. So, the sister in-law turns and says why would you vote for him? One last time I tried to diffuse, "because I am" was my response. "But why?" OK....stupid you for not seeing the danger signs. "Oh I don't know, maybe because I could never vote for a homophobic ass licker like Harper." The look on her face was both priceless and sad, because she didn't know enough to not start up with me in the first place and certainly didn't know when to stop. Now I love a good well thought out debate, this wasn't going to be one of them. And it seems I was the only one in the room that knew it.

Taking turns the sisters tried valiantly to win the day with their arguments against gay marriage and all it's evils. "Why can't they call it something else, it's a sacrament" was a familiar line of answering. Well, I amused myself a little and than got bored with the whole situation. First I asked my ex what would she do if our son came to you one day and said he was in love and it was with another man? How would you respond? The brief awkward silence was telling for me. To end it all I asked simply wouldn't you want your son or daughter to be able to publicly declare their love for another person, regardless of their sexual preference. To have the same rights and responsibilities of a straight couple. To be able to live in harmony or to be as miserable as the rest of us married folk. Are we done? Good.

That night I had my voice. I'm sure my ex had other things on her mind with a good place to hide my body being at the top of the list. But I had my voice. I used my voice that night.

I'd like to tell you that I always have used my voice but the truth is that, like most of us, the voice gets drowned out by life too often. We waffle, we rationalize and we look for harmony. We filter ourselves over the years to the point that maybe we aren't ourselves anymore. Harmony is good, don't misunderstand me. People that live for head butting end up with a fair share of pain, so compromises and an understanding of the big picture is fine. But there is a price to pay when we go too far down that road. In 2008 I knew the marriage would end so my response was less about harmony and more about saying what I felt. I do that a lot now. And I like that.

And you should to. Whether you write it down in a journal, a blog or simply live it out loud, you should be able to speak what you feel. Fuck those filters. Be yourself, be honest. That doesn't mean you can be a douche canoe while you're at it, after all, tact instead of attack should be part of your ethos. Paint a picture, write a song, sing a damn song...just be sure to say what you really feel. It's quite liberating. Strain at those binds that hold you back.

For me, this blog has been instrumental in helping to shape and articulate some of the things I believe in and wish to speak of. It has given credence to the notion that I really do have things to say and that I should say them. Not for you, but for me. And that is the key. For yourself.

Go forth and use that voice, sing it sister!!!

Photo courtesy of my friend Margo

Ciao
D