Some people find it quite strange that I claim to be kind of shy, actually some people think I am a lying liar when I say that. But it is true. Not a debilitating kind of shyness but still present if you care to look. I think I hide it with a certain amount of self confidence, a good dose of I don't give a fuck and sometimes a sprinkling of booze. I've never looked for the spotlight. I don't want to be famous and I don't care to be the centre of attention. Always been that way and I suspect I always will, but it doesn't mean that I don't get thrust into the spotlight from time to time.
So what would posses me to put myself out there on any number of occasions? Lunacy some would say...who the hell goes on TV or does a cooking demo in front of 400 people if they are shy? Well, I suppose I do. Taking myself out of my comfort zone is about challenging myself, as it is for us all really. I don't relish in it but I don't run away either. I'd be the first to admit that today I am more comfortable with the idea then I would have been at 16 or 17 years of age. Today I am confident in my abilities, I'm comfortable with who I am and I know, generally speaking, that I will be prepared for just about anything that can happen. Like being told you would have seven minutes to prepare a dish on live TV and then being shortchanged by two minutes...that fish didn't look too raw did it? The joys of improvisation.
Not to say that there haven't been times when I completely tanked it. I remember a public speaking event in grade eight that I had to do in which I managed to win the first round and go on to speak in front of the whole school. My five minutes turned into about two and half minutes because I raced through my speech. Or the the first time our band entered Battle of the Bands at school. Thank God there weren't cell phone cameras and YouTube back then...I literally stood still, didn't smile and looked like I was about to yak all over the stage. I don't why but I simply went stone cold straight for our three song set. Later on my buddy Dom told me he was contemplating hitting me with his guitar to make me move just a little bit...I think maybe he should have.
This contrasts very well with the next stage event I was involved with. Playing bass with the school band during one of our variety shows. We were supposed to dress in an anti social bum like way. Wasn't even a stretch for me. A few days of no shaving, my long hair, a lumber jacket and a cigarette dangling from my mouth...good times. I moved around. We made jokes aimed at our friends in the crowd "Rudy!!! Watch the f*#@ing cord". We threw some tennis balls into the crowd and thankfully none of them came back at us. It was a good night. Except for later on that night when we were gathered round watching our video taped performance. Seems that my guitar was way out of tune, which I didn't notice of course, which also meant some fucker de-tuned it for me when I wasn't looking. Jailhouse Rock sounded great save for that idiot bass player that seems to be off a few notes. Oh well. At least I wasn't scared stiff out there, or at least showing it.
I may have mentioned that I will do just about anything for a laugh. And I mean as long as I find it funny. Much like that picture above, I don't care. Bad hair, cheesy attempt at a moustache, bikini babes in the drummers basement...nothing about that shot is good but it makes me laugh, so as long as I find it funny, great. If I manage to make someone else laugh or even better, shock them, then that is simply a bonus to me. Nothing was off limits for me. I went to a Catholic high school and you can imagine the tomfoolery I partook in to amuse my self in that environment. There was this one time I walked onto stage feigning a technical issue while someone was still performing, all to make a point. Don't piss me off and don't disrespect me or my guys in the process. At the time I didn't know she was dating my then best friend so you can imagine how that went over. Fuck it. And how can you keep that a secret anyway...WTF!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite these brushes with near lunacy, from getting down on one knee singing Oliver's greatest hits in grade three to a girl I had a crush on to making up words on live TV while chastizing the host to simply not over cook your damn scallops (fantabulous!!) I have always managed to step up in these comfort zone busting moments. And almost always I was glad I did. A sense of accomplishment was my reward for daring to be stupid in public. It's quite liberating, you should try it.
As Epictetus once wrote:
"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid."
By this rationale I should be at the top of my game, king of the world even because of the vast improvement I must have shown for having been, and continue to be, a complete moron. Thanks Epi.
Ciao
D
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