Fear Not

I've been thinking a lot lately about the passage of time and our place in the here and now. Swirling emotions that are leaving me a tad too raw for my own liking. A combination of great joy and deep sadness, so much so that I feel I might need to pay attention to my state of mind in a more than cursory way. Perhaps the very act of thinking about it and than writing about it is probably what I need so please be patient while I process away.

The other night, while chopping a boat load of onions, I watched a few clips from the movie One Week that hit a little too close to home for me. Hence the onion reference of course. Our hero Ben is diagnosed with stage four cancer and decides that this is the time to buy a motorcycle and ride west. Have an adventure as they say. Jettisoning his treatment despite his fiances pleadings, Ben needed to do something before chaining himself to an IV tree. The road trip to end all road trips for our budding writer.

Motorcycle diaries aside I'm so glad this movie came across my field of vision, it is a tremendous little Canadian movie with cameos by Gord Downie and Joel Plaskett amongst others, with a wonderful soundtrack and a message that hit home then and more so over the past few years. I love the movie but find it difficult to even think of sitting through it all now...who needs those tears after all? Simon and Scott's terrible news and my own brush with fuck you cancer have left me, as I said, a little too raw.

There was a scene in the movie, well actually many scenes to be honest, that came to mind and I wanted to be reminded about it. Ben was on the beach in British Columbia when a German newlywed couple asked him to take a picture of them. Being Canadian he did so without stealing their camera and then the narrator took over:

"Their love wasn't an illusion, however, like most relationships there were a 
few rogue waves that could have capsized it. In those times of rough seas, 
Ben's photograph was a touchstone for what was best."

The notion of the touchstone has always been one of interest for me. How we mark our time on this tiny blue dot. How we can relate, in an instant, a funny or sad or poignant story at the mere mention of a word we associate with a moment in time. Like music, these benchmarks can transport us to anywhere and anytime. Say the word Quebec to me and I'm 18 years old again running wild through that snow globe pretty town. Just like that.

I know I've used this quote before in my writing but I can't help but use it again, it is and will continue to be one of the best ways I know to express the sentiments that I have around all that is going on:

"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfil? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

To me, this is telling us to leave it all out on the field. No regrets. We have our one shot at life and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Be it an errant bus or brain cancer, life as we know it today can be changed in a moment. While I live with hope always I also know that waiting for that "right time" is not the way I want to go through this life of mine. I'm eating that cake, sipping that wine, walking out my door and falling madly and deeply in love.

At the end of it all, if I can say that I did my best, lived without fear or regret and was a good father then I would say that I have had a good life. If I helped people along the way and was a positive influence on some of the people I walked with through my life, well...that's a great life in my book.

Ciao
D