Heart Swells

Hear that? Feel that? Like an ocean swell, both constant and ever changing, there is a rhythm to the world around us. I liken it to the heartbeat of our collective souls, all of us and everything around us, has a a living pulse and I think we are all interconnected on some level.

Amongst all the noise in my life that is ever present, be it work, family, plans or simple serendipity, two things have taken center stage in the past few months. They couldn't be further apart in what they are and what they mean to me. An incredible joyous high and a sad and painful low. My joy at meeting "the one" is tempered in the knowledge that my best friend is dying, sooner than later. While being robbed of future wheelchair races through the halls of a multitude of retirement homes I have met and fell in love with the woman that I plan on spending my days with. Heady and morose times my friends. I feel conflicted. I feel for my friend and his family and it aches to think of going through the rest of my time here without him to bounce idiocy off of while at the same time feeling elated and light as air with my sweetheart. It doesn't seem right. But such is life I suppose. Not to put myself into this equation at all, simply an observance really for context, but can you imagine the joy of bringing a new born into the world? Now imagine it in the middle of war torn Syria. Pure joy and fear in equal measure.

Back to that connection that I think we all share. It isn't about an existential crisis sort of thing, trying to understand the why and the how of simply being. Nor is it a religious thing, under one God we are all united. No it's about being a human being, a living inhabitant of this little blue dot that we all share. I come back to the idea of Ubuntu, "I am because we are." For me it's that simple. We shouldn't need a book to tell us how to act when standing before another human being. But of course, all too often the ugly side of life is what seems to become all we hear about. Darkness never quits and it is oh so easy to fall into it.

"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable

And lightness has a call that's hard to hear"

Indigo Girls

I used those lyrics and an ass kicking from a dear friend years ago when I was slipping into negativity. I was letting someone bring me to where they were and I didn't like what I was seeing in the mirror when it was held up to me. So back into the light I went. And for the most part I stay there, through all the divorce garbage, the struggles we all face from time to time, health scares, emotional scars or simply the day to day efforts of pushing on the ocean. Because I know tomorrow will be better. Look back at earlier posts here and I sound positively stupid with dough eyed naivete. Well, I'm still the same. Maybe more so if you can believe that.

As you can imagine that attitude along with the support of loved ones is how I am moving through these times. I'll look back every so often at the footprints of my life and see the good things and the good times we shared, and while I will miss him terribly, I am feeling quite blessed that we have managed to share some time together. I know he would want me to continue on, as always, pulling at the frayed bits, living out loud and tearing down the things that don't work. Live with hope and live with love...that's all.

Ciao
D