This thing of ours

A homage to "La Cosa Nostra" this is not, or maybe it is.  I don't know, leave me alone it's Monday afternoon after all.

I'm sure every profession has it's own sense of oneness, of the us and the everyone else. We have professional associations to promote ideas and ideals, to provide a sense of belonging to a larger "family".  The Association of Cartographers, Well Drillers, Mimes and Mummers.  You name it there is probably an association or union for them. These are the public faces of an industry or profession, designed to provide a unified front and gloss over the dirt. And dirt there is. Lots of it. My chosen field is no different; maybe worse than most.  Although I hear engineers are really bad.

Anthony Bourdain became the globe trotting commentator he is after he wrote a book called Kitchen Confidential. An accounting of his messed up life and the industry that fed it, sustained it and almost killed it. It was a pretty accurate telling of the world of kitchens and save for a few years in age difference and a few thousand miles of geography it could have been my story. There are chapters that talk of eerily similar experiences either with me or people I knew. Before anyone goes jumping the gun and making assumptions, I was not and never have been addicted to anything in my life and I didn't come close to the, shall we say free flowing promiscuous mores that he wrote extensively about. I'm sure it happened around me to a degree, but I'd say the onslaught of AIDS in the 80's really put the damper on a lot of the sexual favours on the flour sacks in the store room. Not that I didn't try of course...read the post on being the "friend". Or maybe I really am that naive.

Here are some things you may want to know about the chefs and cooks that prepare your food, in no particular order.

• We are or can be masochists, no time for weakness which morphs into treating our selves pretty badly with regards to health and wellness
• We swear. A lot. I use the word fuck as punctuation. I've been at family gatherings and left them cursing simply because I needed to curse. As an extension, I don't trust people that don't swear. You don't have to be the "F" bomb king but I do need to hear the occasional rant peppered brightly with expletives 
• We work a lot, especially when we are younger building our careers. 90 hour weeks were not unusual in my younger days. And we pay it for later in life. When you are enjoying your romantic Valentines Day dinner at an inflated price, we are actually cooking that dinner for you.
• We don't like you. You, the customer, are never right but we bend over backwards to make you feel like you are. You show up five minutes before closing and we really hate you. 
• You have health or allergy concerns, as in you are deathly allergic to garlic or onions - best you stay home, because garlic is everywhere. Don't get me started on vegans
• You can cook for us. We're happy to not have to cook. But if I am cooking expect it to be simple; BBQ anyone?
• We have a fucked up sense of humour. A years and years long combination of heat, cramped quarters, long days and nights, never enough tea towels, raw meat and sharp knives means we look at the world differently. Read my blog posts for examples...my brain works funny
• Wine is supposed to go with food, drink good wine
• We can be the most loyal people in the world, so if you cross us or throw us under the bus, you are dead to us. Sadly this trait is not as prevalent as it once was in far too many people
• The dishwasher is the most important person in the kitchen, I treat mine like gold
• We can turn just about any song lyric into something sexual
• There is a lot of ink in the place. None for me yet, but I am creeping closer to one. Thanks to a good friend of mine. More on that later.

I could go on but you are, I'm sure, getting a clearer picture. Scared? Don't be. Most of us can adapt relatively well to the "normal" world. Borderline personalties aside we can get through Christmas dinner without stabbing you with a fork.

A little glimpse into this world of mine. Just served a lunch for 135 people as I sit in my office typing this to you, I can hear dishes clanging, cooks prepping for the next function, line cooks are getting ready for service tonight, servers cleaning up and wheeling carts around. Scavengers looking or extra food can be heard walking through the area; try not wearing heels and you might slip by unnoticed by the way. I can tell by the sound of the kitchen if things are going well. Sort of like Radar in MASH, it's my superpower. Well, one of them.

Ciao

D