My Devils

Grabbing the table with both hands, I squeezed as hard as I could to keep myself from shaking. Instead, my anger simply made the table wish it wasn't a table in front of me. I was furious and beyond the pale with pure rage. No good...the kid is going through that wall over yonder and damn the consequences. And he would have had it not been for another student seeing the look on my face, somehow recognizing it for what it really was and stepping in front of me long enough to diffuse. So instead the student went to the office....not to be seen for two weeks. True story.

That was a long time ago, nearly a lifetime really. It was also the moment when I realized that I needed a new direction or a new place to live or a good dose of yoga to calm me the fuck down. Within six months I had moved to Halifax with my new bride and started on a new adventure. That was one way of dealing with what had been causing my anger to percolate...it made sense back then but probably it isn't always possible to deal with something by running half away across the country. Perhaps delving into the anger and what was causing it would have been a better response. Maybe not. Who knows and who cares really?

What I do know is that I don't get angry like that anymore. Much. I won't lie to you and say I don't get frustrated or angry with the swirling mass of whatever in my world, that's simply not realistic, but I do like that my perspective is more along the lines of don't sweat the small things and sunny days ahead as opposed to literally throat punching someone. My devils are somewhat under control.

Going back to the idea of life as a tapestry, those stray pieces of string that may be uncomfortable can sometimes lead to those things about you that you may wish didn't exist. I have a few of those,,,traits that I think we probably all have to one degree or another, that are uncomfortable to think of. Unappealing quirks or mannerisms, ways of thinking or feeling that are a shade to dark for comfort. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

For me, that anger response is probably one of my most uncomfortable devils of my own. You really don't want to see me angry...as Bruce Banner used to say. It's not pretty and can be downright scary. Having said that the last time that bastard showed up was seven or eight years ago at work...cleared a whole room full of cooks and servers in the middle of serving three weddings. Stop poking that bear would ya.

So what has changed? Extracting myself from an uneasy and unhappy marriage would be the most obvious answer. Perspective changed when I made that decision to leave. Those were the hardest steps I have ever taken but despite it all they were the right steps to take. No doubt and no regret. We weren't happy and we were both at fault. Changing the equation made all the difference in the world and now I'm writing about it all here....lucky you eh?

There are others of course...but I think coming to terms with them and understanding that they are a part of you as opposed to the whole of you is a good place to start in mitigating their influence. Age plays a factor here as well, the perspective that experience and time bring are invaluable and in the end are really where wisdom comes from. Dealing with my devils as opposed to ignoring them has led to a greater awareness of how limiting they are....how destructive they are. So, fuck off you devils.

But wait, let us not cast them off so quickly because as we know, that whole tapestry thing here, it's a part of you. Maybe that anger fuels something else or is part of an equation that feeds your passion. Well, yeah...that makes total sense now that you put it that way. The devil does some good after all. I like that...the complex combination of what makes a person tick one way and someone else another is fascinating. Spend a few hours riding the subways to see how those differences manifest themselves in people....simply amazing really. Even with a superficial look, we can see so much when we pen our minds to people and their differences.

Runnin' with the devil

Ciao
D