The Reason

98 years ago my fiance, and now ex wife, and I were forced to take a marriage preparedness course through the church in the build up to our nuptials. It was part of the deal with getting married in the church, ensuring that you were ready to accept Christ in your marriage and you actually knew a thing or two going in. All snickering aside the course actually was kind of useful to me, but not in the way I'm sure it was meant to be from a church perspective or my ex's perspective. It's always fascinating to me when knowledge comes at me, be it from passed on wisdom or fortune cookie foolishness, I like to learn I guess.

So, what did I learn? In hindsight I learned that we don't know anything when we are young. Certainly not anything close to understanding the gravity of getting married, interpersonal relations and the real reason marriages fail. The affable priest, who I had known for a few years, talked about the importance of openness and acceptance of not only Jesus but each other within the context of the church and marriage. I do recall wondering if Father Callahan was into the sacramental wine again but of course I was viewing everything from my own prism...I'm much to independently minded to let a church dictate much of anything to me. My attending mass and being involved with the church, even in my limited way, was a direct result of my desire to do my part in making the relationship work with my ex.

No, what I learned was a little tid bit that even now seemed like a throw away statement from vicar Keith. Near the end of the session he had us all sitting around in a semi circle and spoke of things somewhat philosophically. Looking around the room, probably laying bets on who would stay together, he laid down some simple things to think about.

• If you think you are going to change someone into your version of a better person, you're doomed, people essentially stay the same
• Those little cute and slightly annoying habits that your life long partner may have will get less cute and more annoying over time
• Failure to communicate will lead you to divorce

Hmmmmmmmm, anyone care to comment on this?  You know I have my opinion but this isn't about that...I'm not going to point the finger at my ex and say see, the priest even knew. No, I'm more interested in the whole changing thing.

A few years ago there was a band called Hoobastank that had a hit with the song The Reason. I actually liked the song, it had a good little melody and despite its newness it kind of grew on me. At the time we were in the midst of our troubles in the marriage and I kind of took the message of the song to heart.

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I had myself convinced, with a great deal of help from my ex, that I needed to change things, that I was the reason (get it?) that things were rough between us. You know what? I was the problem, at least half of it. And if I could listen to what she was saying and adjust a few things maybe we could save this. Trouble was that this is a partnership and the other person needs to be fully invested in the whole change idea as well and secondly, people don't fucking change!!!

It's a nice sentiment but a fools errand I think. We are who we are and to have faith in the ability to change the core of someone else is folly. Maybe a few small things can change, like I'll put the toilet seat down and fold the towels your way, but to think that someone could change my beliefs, my sense of jocularity, my capital "T" for Tom and capital 'F" for Foolery is just asking for trouble. 

Not to say that the sentiment of making changes for one that you love is bad, don't be silly, indeed it's probably a good idea to keep your soul mate in the equation that is love and forever. But equation, by definition, has more than one part and that everyone needs to be part of the discussion. And by looking at it as a way of bringing us closer together as opposed to keeping score and "winning" the fight over the other, we may actually be serving a higher purpose. Not the Jesus kind, the whole of us kind.

I have made plenty of changes in my life in the interest of harmony, an exercise of getting along and being part of a larger thing. Not an actual fundamental change though, nothing that I would have thought earth shattering. But what I had done was dilute "me" to a degree. I always thought of myself as the same guy but the outside world, those that knew me well, probably saw something different. In small increments I had "changed" into not myself....and eventually I realized that I couldn't do that anymore. Not if what I was living at the time was all that could be hoped for. Not one more day I remember thinking to myself as I said the divorce word.

Sound familiar? I know for certain I'm not alone. I finally screwed the courage up to say it out loud. And I'm happier for my choice. It wasn't easy and there continue to be challenges but on the whole I am far more happy than I was....reason was beat out by heart and soul. Don't be afraid anymore.

So, Father K, you were right, bigly. Hoobastank...go fuck yourself and stop being so wishy washy. I still like your tune but not the message boys.

Ciao

D