Lists

Love, love, love crossing things off lists. In my younger chef days when I worked the line I would have a long prep list written out on a chit, as most cooks do, and it would be a pleasure to cross those items off as we neared service time. Scallops - check. Linguine - check. Duck prosciutto - check...and so on. Don't tell anyone, but I would sometimes put things on the list that I had already done just so I could cross them off.

Bucket lists are funny things to me. I like the idea as long as they aren't confining in any way. As in, I didn't kiss the blarney stone, whatever shall I do?? I must be a failure. I tend to look at them as aspirations and dreams that I will try to accomplish, but if I don't I'm sure I will have some fun along the way. So, in no particular order, here be some things on my bucket list.

• Find a way to live part of my time in Europe. I don't care if I have to work a bit while there for some spending money, I just don't want to be only a tourist passing through. Greece, Italy, France, Spain, England, Portugal....I don't care, they all sound great
• Motorcycle road trip. If I ever get a bike, the epic ride to anywhere and back
• Bungee jump off of something really high up...balls in the throat sort of thing
• Spend a week in Monaco for the Grand Prix
• Watch my kids grow into the amazing people I know they will be
• Hold my grand kids 
• Put my life, such as it is, into the hands of a master sushi chef. Sit down with a good friend and let them do as they wish. We are your palette...create!
• Lock myself away in a grand bookstore or library for a week. Surrounded by history, I would sneak in some wine, food and cigars and let it all soak in
• See John Mellencamp in concert again. His show way back when is still one of the highlight shows of my life
• Bag tag Donald Drumph...fucker that he is
• See her again
• Speaking of balls in my throat, fly on a fighter jet for some real speed action
• Spend a month sailing the waters around the Caribbean. Well, someone else can sail and I will sip wine, feast on fresh fish and other delicacies  
• Hang out with Neil Young for a week. The last of the five that I called "the man". The others, Elvis, Johnny Cash, Bob Marley and Leonard Cohen are all gone
• Recreate the "Big Night" dinner for important people in my life

Hmmmmmmmm, family and friends, travel, conviviality and food and drink. Seems about right. With a little stupidity thrown in for good measure. These are but a small sampling of some of the things I'd like to do, the important thing is to understand that it is much better to be doing stuff than owning stuff. For that fact, to being doing anything that teaches me something, opens my mind to something and takes me out of my comfort zone, even a little bit is fine by me. 

Taking myself out of my comfort zone and letting things happen on a personal level is one of those newer things that I have come to enjoy since really taking myself out of comfort with my divorce. I went to a sing along choir. I rolled down the hills at Acadia simply because. I went to U@, fully prepared to go at it alone. Like that picture above...someone wanted to do my portrait and I don't care for posing, but I'm glad I did.

What's on your list?

Ciao

D

R.I.P

Thinking of Tom Petty passing away today. A gifted story teller and song writer taken too soon from us all. The fact that I am ageing means that I will be dealing with losing the people that made the music I listened to and the movies and shows that entertained me since my youth. He was 66. The boys in Rush are that age, U2 a little younger...and so on. These guys and gals will be passing on, serving to remind us that no matter what, we all go back to dust. Nobody gets out alive. So eat the fucking cake, drink that delicious wine and tell them how you feel...no regrets!!!

"Sed omnis una manet nox et calcanda semel via leti"

"But one night waits for all and the road of death is to be tread only once"

There seems to be a similar theme lately to my posts, save for the ones where I make fun of my own stupidity of course, a sort of reflective mood that in no way should indicate anything other than I am simply thinking out loud. Reflection is good...no?

I reflect on my choices, the good I have done, the not so good and the hurt I have caused. To those I have hurt, I really am sorry...and I'm pretty sure I would have said it to you personally and probably have been forgiven. Except maybe when it comes to matters of the heart...that seems to be an especially tricky area to fix that tear.

 "donde hay amor hay dolo"

"Where there is love, there is pain"

If 97.6% percent of all poetry and song writing is based around "love" one can understand how powerful a force it truly is. Love Hurts. Love Stinks. Love is a Battlefield. You've Lost That Loving Feeling. I keep thinking of the idea that if you truly want love, you are going to be left wide open to getting your heart ripped out. And it will probably happen. It has to me. But you have to get back on that stupid merry-go-round of heart wrenching rawness to let it back in. There is no other way. Remember...no walls along with that side of no regrets.

Can you see how this is all tied together? I'm going to go home soon, pour a glass and play some Tom Petty. We'll miss you buddy....light one up for us all will ya.

Ciao
D

My Favourite Colour

So much sadness on this earth

We get weary, we get hurt

What we need is not for sale

So set your heart down on the rail

Leaving's just another way

To say the things we never say

From Harbour Boys by Joel Plaskett. I first heard this song when he was the musical guest for Stuart McLean a few years back and I loved it instantly. Light and airy yet, as you might guess, a great message...especially right then in my life.

I came here to bring the noise

To the island girls and the harbour boys

Am I the noise maker or the wallflower? Instigator or observer? You can make your own judgements but it should come as no surprise that I feel that I am all of the above. This journey, as a former lover explained, is what it's all about. It's my journey and it has to matter to me. For far too long it seemed that simply being was my best hope. Sure, I had a decently good life and my kids are the very best of me, but there was a certain thing lacking. Passion was absent. In the interest of harmony and stability, there was an acquiescence to the life that unfolded before me. Until that day when there wasn't going to be another day of it. Not one more step.

Whatever the outcome of my life, at the end of it all I want to be able to look back and say without equivocation that it had passion. As the Greeks demanded. The scales will tip on that side if I have anything to say about it.

Walking in the autumn leaves

Let's get lost in record sleeves

Sun goes down upon the bay

Looking for somewhere to play

Racing to the finish line

We've been running, we've been flying

Faster as the years go by

Clouds are scrolling cross our sky

I read a little opinion piece by Neil MacDonald from the CBC this morning which led to this confluence of thoughts. It put what has been swirling around in my mind into perspective. Read it here if you wish Entropy I don't totally agree with his take on the fading of time but then again, I'm only 49 now, who knows what will come to be in 20 years. What does it matter though? The here and now is what matters and this desire to say things out loud, sans filter, to go out and see the world, at least the parts I want to see, seems to be getting stronger. Where will I go?

If we get held by higher powers

It's only in the final hours

After that we'll get some rest

Until then let's make a mess

I can't imagine taking notice of religion in my later years but maybe, like Neal opines, it will happen. Who knows? And again, what does it matter? The journey that we are all on has to matter to us today and we hope it matters tomorrow. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is simply a wish to be made real. Who we go with and what we do is a matter of choice. Not being afraid to walk alone is the first step to take, being not afraid to make the leap with someone alongside is the hardest step. I've said this a few times I think, and to quote that kid in Love Actually "Okay, Dad. Let's do it. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love." Stupid kid knows it...why don't we all?

Sun goes down upon the bay

Looking for somewhere to play

I came here to bring the noise

To the island girls and the harbour boys

Soaking in a summer night

Let me rage against the dying light

Before the by and by

I stand beneath a devastating sky above me

High above, I'll lose myself in everything I love

Until the night is through

My friends, I sing it now for you

Sun goes down upon the bay

Looking for somewhere to play

I came here to bring the noise

To the island girls and the harbour boys?

What's my favourite colour? Red of course....haven't you been paying attention? The red of sunsets and sunrises. The red of the flaming fall colours as the season fades away. The colour of passion and of love. The colour of fire. strength and danger. I almost want to apologize if I sound too preachy or what have you, and then I stop myself and say, fuck that shit. I'm here to bring the noise and quite possibly it is time to turn the volume up.

What's your favourite colour?

Ciao
D

Graduation and Life Thereafter

It's Friday, the heat and humidity are gone for now and I feel like reminiscing about a long past week away that, on paper, should have left a pile of corpses but really only did some damage to a liver or two. Back to the category of "why are you still alive" I bring you high school graduation week!! Kids, don't read this!

After five long years of secondary education within the fine walls of Don Bosco penitentiary, I mean Catholic High School, my buddies and I were being released into society to find our own paths in life. To set forth into the world at large, to be contributors, visionaries and leaders...or some shit like that. I don't recall much from my 'learning' as we were pretty pickled for much of the last year or so, but I never thought high school was about that. It was a big social club. To that end, it worked well.

The ceremonial and official part of the graduation process held a few memories that I cherish to this day, the gathering after the handing out of diplomas was a spontaneous celebration of the friendships that were forged over the previous years. What started as a picture with diplomas in hand for the parents turned into a mosaic of friends lined up against the wall with smiles all around. Sadly, most of these friendships didn't last but a few did and I guess that is something. The prom was a blur, not because we were drunk but because we didn't care about the prom. The prom was a mere formality prior to the after party was where we could truly celebrate. And boy did we celebrate. The dumpy hole in the wall Ascot Motel was our haunt that night and we were truly lucky to have not ended up in jail.  Climbing twig like trees to get to the second floor balconies, walking in on strangers, Willie Nelson wafting through the air...how did we not end up in jail? Clad in shorts and t-shirts, cummerbunds and bow ties I'm sure we young men looked positively GQ like next to our female friends still resplendent in pink and blue ball gowns. We were such jerks back then but we certainly did know how to have good time. The party lasted until sunrise when the police finally did arrive to break up the festivities. Good times.

That Saturday morning everyone had a job to do, a sacred task to make the transition from one party to the next. For you see, we were heading to Dave's cottage for the week to really celebrate with the boys. So all the tuxedos were given to one person to return. Some people were responsible for food and so on. I was the keg master. Since my parents had graciously allowed me to use the car for the night I loaded up two full size kegs into the trunk of the venerable Chevy Nova to sit proudly in the bath tub at the cottage. I recall my dad coming out to inspect why the trunk was propped open and asking me why there were two barrels of beer in his car. Ha...we should have got barrels. Freaking kegs barely lasted one night. So much for the beer budget.

The idyllic dawning of summer in rural Ontario was shattered that Saturday afternoon as we raced through sleepy towns with music blaring and testosterone hopped up on the high octane mixture of anticipation and fading teen angst. Once again, how did we not end up in jail. Locked in some hick jail cell awaiting our parents to come bail us out....maybe jail would have been the preferred place. But once again, the whole fools and drunks thing comes to mind. We lived to tell about it after all.

To detail every happening that weekend would require a lot more effort and memory searching than I can muster right now. Certainly some of the events fall into the category of you had to be there, like our superior rendition of the Sanford and Sons theme while munching on foie gras and sipping Sauternes. Or, BBQ hot dogs and beer. Whatever right. The musical virtuosity we displayed that night was impressive...or really awful. One or the other depending on how drunk you are when you listen to the tape that was secretly made that night. In-between prodigious amounts of beer guzzling and everything that goes with it we always ended up tied to the boom box with our music and our version of foolishness. It all made perfect sense in the moment, 30 plus years later I still chuckle at our glory moments during our glory days.

Some of the highlights outside of drinking and singing were the mini bike rides through the woods. I still sport a faint scar on my ankle when I went over the handle bars on the bike. Fucking front breaks! When I got back to the cottage and put my foot down there was a funny sloshy sensation, I was confused. And then mildly grossed out when I poured the blood out of my sneaker. Somewhere out there is a picture of a dozen or so white asses hanging off the balcony as we mooned the world. The empty kegs sitting as dead soldiers to our 'manifest destiny' of beer. Someone throwing up an entire hot dog, I mean whole. Seriously man, how did you get that dog down there in one piece and then back up in one piece? And what made you think that anyone needed to see it?

As the days went by the constant drinking and partying claimed combatants in small numbers. Roberto Duran's infamous "no mas" was cause for equal amounts of ridicule and a desire to stop as well. No pressure to drink here buddy boy. We drank and we drank until on the very last night there were only three of us left standing, I mean drinking. It was not a pretty site but it certainly was an odoriferous one...for many days after actually.

As you may recall, and if not you can refresh your memory here ROOI, this was the summer that closed out our youth. It started with the cottage after graduation and culminated with the end of summer bash highlighted in ROOI. Gone was the safety net of high school, somehow we were supposed to become functioning adults and I don't recall anyone actually thinking they were ready for it. I wasn't. What the hell did I know about the world ahead? As it turns out most of us turned out OK. We went our own ways and figured things out. Marriage, kids, mortgage payments and RESP's. Slowly but surely we turned into our parents to varying degrees. We forged our own lives and new identities, no longer 16 of us to run rough shod over the world. Some of us forged new lives in far off places and did things we didn't know we could do. The beauty in this chaos of life is that we never new what tomorrow would bring for sure...best laid plans and all. But we clung to the idea of who we were. Those memories, as evidenced by my posts here and the stories I like to tell, are our testaments to what mattered back then. When I had my little mini reunion back in June during my U2 weekend, we, of course, talked of the good old days...the glory days alongside what we were doing now.

In the closing moments of that day I was talking to Steve and Dom and we found that common ground that seemed to bind us all, 30 years later and a lifetime of experiences between us, we still have no regrets for that time of our lives. We were young, we were stupid and smart and we, as only the young can do, lived large with impunity in our own way. It truly was our glory days.

Ciao
D

Holes

"I'm moving through the dark

Of a long black night"

What a powerful thought. This stopped me in my tracks and for more than a pause for thought. It's been a bit of weird week, a lot of that "black night" floating about with people I know, people close to me. Try as I might I don't always understand or comprehend the pain or trials others may be feeling, but I do try and I do think that these people know that I'm doing my best to lend an ear or a shoulder to lean on.

At the close of day though, the inescapable fact is that they are in a hole. Some deeper than others. Reasons as varied as the people involved. Responses that you can surely imagine. Holes. Fucking holes.

The very first person I dated when I separated passed along a piece of sage advice that she had heard from one of her friends. It went something like this; you're in a hole now. Be in the hole. Accept that you're in the hole. Once you've accepted that you're in a hole you'll be able to figure out a way out of the hole. Really it's about accepting the fact that you have a problem, and supposedly that's half the battle right?

Well, I don't know if it's that cut and dry but I do think it's a good starting place. There will be false starts and there will be times when no matter what you do that hole only seems to get deeper, the sheerness of the walls seem insurmountable. The ropes and ladders that are lowered down to you will falter, fall in and be mirages. But you can find your way out. There is a light somewhere.

I won't be so casual with an "I know what you're going through" because almost certainly I do not. However I can jump in the hole with you. And I'm sure there are others that will as well. Family and friends that you trust, that you can turn to, that you can cry with, these are the ones that I would want down in that hole with me. They may know the way out. They may give you a boost out. Or simply lower a rope down to you so you can climb out yourself.

Be in the hole. While not OK by any means, it probably does help to accept the fact. It also helps to  remember that the hole isn't who you are. It is a part of you but it shouldn't define you, you can't be reduced to a hole, to only one thing. The hole is where you are, not who you are.

And I'm looking at the moon

And the light it shines

But I'm thinking of a place

And it feels so very real

Oh, it was so full of love!"

I believe in the ethos that tomorrow will be better, that this day is simply a prelude to the next and when you scrub away the mundane, the routine and the unimportant things you can truly see if you are working towards a better tomorrow. Be it planning to cross off a bucket list item or just taking those baby steps to get out of the hole, the journey is the point, not the thing.

Fuck Holes

Are You Listening?

The other day I was relating to one of my sales reps one of the things that drive me batty in this thing of mine, which is having to repeat myself on simple requests like looking for credits when a product is damaged or what have you. I can be a busy guy with a multitude of things going through my addled brain so if I ask you once please just do it so I don't have to remember to ask about it again. It seems I am going to have to remind the government and the health care system about what we spoke of last year, as they too seem to have forgotten already. Can you throat punch an organization? A province? A country?

Let Me Say This About That was about mental health and the lack of attention, resources and understanding that the powers that be have in this regard. I know people that work in the system and they will all tell you that the issues are complex and desperate and barely addressed in any meaningful way. I don't know what the issue is? There must be study after study clogging shelves throughout the system so it can't be not knowing what to do. If it's money then I'm sorry, that isn't an excuse. There is a shit load of money in the system and I suspect there is a lot of it that can be directed more effectively. So what it boils down to is leadership doing what they are supposed to do, fucking lead!

Listening to the CBC this morning and the issue around traumatic brain injury, also known as TBI, care was in the spotlight. It seems that a few years ago when our provincial government came into power they made grandiose pronouncements around this issue and others that are interrelated to the well being of us. We come to find out that the new health minister hasn't even read the report yet. That's three years with nothing being done of a substantive nature. Are you hearing this? Oh Mr Premier? Look here!!!

You elected men and women have a duty to serve the people of this province, of this country. A sacred duty, that you actually signed up for. It is really that simple. Stop studying the problem and start dealing with the problem. Decide where it is that you want to go and start getting there. Don't tell me or any of the thousands of people that are dealing with a lack of support, bureaucratic red tape, a maze of departments to navigate that we are working towards fixing the problem, because clearly you are not.

There is a lot of pain out there. People are suffering. People are dying. And we ring our hands and send prayers and good wishes. How about sending a few doctors, counsellors and support staff instead. Save your pity, all we want is your hard work, your commitment to make this time better than it was yesterday. Yes, it's not an easy task, I get that, but it's not impossible....so fucking do it.

We can't turn away anymore as a society. It's simply not right. We can do better, we need to do better. In my mind I'm hearing John Mellencamp's song Jackie Brown...

Going nowhere and nowhere fast

We shame ourselves to watch people like this live.

From There to Here

One of the cute and yet not so cute traditions of dating in your 40's (soon to be 50's) is the interview like process of the first meeting. You've managed to find someone that you find interesting and for some reason finds you interesting as well, so a decision to go for a beverage is made. Coffee or something a tad stronger being the usual choice. Honestly, it's a good way to get to know someone...breathe the same air and see if perhaps there is a desire for a real date to go on.

Good first dates can last a few hours, others are too long at ten minutes and I won't bore you with specifics of course but there is a certain familiarity to these nights out. The same kinds of questions are asked, the same information is solicited - all in an effort to see if maybe this person is somewhat normal, someone date-able. You may not know if this person is the one after this initial meeting but you should have a good idea if there is anything there to build on.

You talk about your career, your family and generally you stay on the fringes of anything deep. Well, if you're not me. As we all know I really don't care for the weather talk so if there is opportunity to talk about real stuff I'm there. I was once read somewhere that you don't talk religion, politics and sex on a first date. Whatever. If our conversation goes there it goes there.

Unsurprisingly it comes to what I do and questions around my field of work. How interesting it must be to be a chef or how did you become a chef and did you always want to cook type discussions. Do you want to know? I'll tell you.

I backed into this career. This was not what I grew up wanting to do. I did not cook at my grandmothers side wanting to showcase the food of Croatia as done by her. I was not struck by the culinary bug the first time I tried a bouillabaisse brimming with fresh fish and subtle saffron notes. No, this was really a second or third sort of "might as well" try this option scenario. Sorry to destroy the romanticism of it all but I told you I was going to be honest.

When I was young I wanted to be an architect. I loved the effect that drawing something in 3D with proper perspective gave. I would draw building after building in attempts to perfect my technique. I don't remember if I was any good at it but I was probably better than Costanza in his make believe world was. At some point that dream went away and I really don't recall any other sort of desire to grow up into something. For the longest time I simply did the young guy thing. In grade eight I had a desire to write, which I still do...hmmm, go figure. But it wasn't something to make a living off of, simply that I felt that I had something to say. And as this blog is evidence of, not much of anything really as it turns out.

At some point I developed a desire to be a film maker. I can guess that this stemmed from my thoughts that I had something to say. I wanted to be the next Spielberg, make you laugh, make you cry and maybe even make you think. So a plan was formulated, I was going to attend York University for their fine arts program. You can stop laughing now. The inescapable laws of declining returns meant that my initial output was not going to be enough to get me into the school. Said another way, my party hardy days during the previous years meant my grades were worth shit and out of the 400 applicants for the 60 spaces available I was not chosen. I have to tell you, it was a bit of a blow. The "fuck off" letters we would get from various institutions that we had applied to were never any fun. But I didn't want to go to school just for the sake of going.

So, I made the decision to take a year off from school to work and save money while taking night class to bump my grades up. Additionaly I volunteered at a local cable company to learn some skills and pad my portfolio. As a side note, somewhere out in the universe is actual footage of me playing the part of Pasquali the janitor on my first ever TV appearance. Well, despite these efforts I was once again not chosen for the competitive program. Although this time around I did manage an interview with the selection committee, which in the end did more to enlighten me about this field than anything I would have experienced. Walking through the halls to my meeting I was struck by how out of place I was. Black clad, Doc Martin wearing "artistes" abounded and I was definitely the odd duck in the place. Whatever.

A few weeks later I got the fuck off letter again and now I was not only pissed off but concerned, what the hell was I going to do? I recall playing tennis that day with my buddy Dom and between getting my ass kicked and working up a good sweat we talked about what I could do. At the end of the day I decided to apply to college for Radio and Television Arts, a more technical approach to the industry. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had stayed on that course instead of doing what I did next. The road not taken kind of thing.

I think it was a few days later and I was still agonizing over not getting into university while working a shift at the restaurant I was working at. This was just a job for me, something to help with beer and gas money, before you make the connection. I was working with a less than appealing lifer in the not so appealing world of chain restaurants. I didn't actually like Chris that much because he kind of creeped me out. He was an OK guy but not someone I would want to go out with for an evening of frivolity. But this chain smoking scrawny guy is the reason that I am in the executive chef's chair today.

He asked me what I thought I might want to do. Think about what you can or want to do. My first response was that I thought it would be kind of cool to own a bar. Not because of my undiscovered entrepreneurial skill but because I thought that was easy access to booze and women. I'm 19 years old, what did you expect? "You know what you should do? Take some cooking classes at the college so you know what's going on in the operation." And that my friends is how I ended up here. I thought it was some good advice so I called the college the next day, changed my course choice to Culinary Management and the rest, as they say, is history.

For whatever reason I took to this like fish to water. I somehow got things that I knew nothing about. I was a hard worker and I discovered new talents in creating flavours, understanding team work and direction. While I was good at the actual cooking and I enjoyed the process and the end result (still do) I had found an environment that I felt comfortable in. I fit in because above all else in this crazy world I work in we look for team cohesion and being able to hold up your end of the line. I was hooked.

What followed was long hours, lots of hard work, risk taking, bandages and stitches, burn ointment and sore feet. As well as a lifetime of experiences, a few entrepreneurial adventures, more than a million people fed, ups and downs and of course lots of cursing.

So, while I may not have been born to be a chef I certainly grew into one. A chef, not a dilettante. There is a lot of prestige that goes with the title of chef but I really think it's over blown, especially these days in the age of YouTube hackery and celebrity status. Most of us that cook don't look for stardom, to walk the red carpet as a celebrity of some sort or to make sure we are at the top of Google searches, we simply cook. The other one percent can have that life, I'll be quite happy having you moan a little when you taste my risotto as we sip wine and enjoy each others company...just saying.

And there is a snap shot of how I came to be where I am. An interesting ride that has been woven into my tapestry, providing colour and context to parts of my life and skills that can be used to the day I pass on. Not such a bad thing eh?

Ciao
D