What could possibly go wrong?

Have you ever found yourself looking back on an incident in your life and wonder, how the hell am I still alive? I'm a tad surprised that I made it to my 40's. I have done some boneheaded things in my life that my mother is only now starting to find out about...I feel 2000 kilometres is a safe distance. Mom, if you're reading this, I didn't tell you because I wanted to spare you any more grief than necessary, and the wooden spoons of course.

I've spoke of living without fear recently and I meant it within the context of being in my late 40's and of matters not so much physical as emotional and mental. In my teens, it was physical...I was pretty fearless, as most of us were because we were, if you recall, indestructible. It rarely crossed my mind that the next step I take might be my last, sure we can make that jump on our little BMX bikes. Yikes. Now I get the heebee jeebies when I watch my kids get within 50 feet of the dark stones at Peggy's Cove...fatherhood changes you.

One of my earlier jobs was working at an apartment complex that my friend Danny lived at. He hooked me up as a jack of all trades summer job. One day we're watering lawns the next we're scrubbing carpet runners and mopping the god damn stairs. Our boss was this short funny little guy named Manuel. He was from somewhere in Central America and funny as hell. Not an ounce of what we call PC now but he seemed like a good guy anyway. One day Manuel decides that the filters on the ventilation system needs changing. On the roof of each building stood HVAC units that seemingly had filters to be replaced. OK boss, we're on it. So up we go to the roof of one of the buildings on a beautiful and windless day, that's important by the way, the lack of gale force winds up 23 stories. Now, when you get to the roof there is a long way to get to the HVAC unit and the stupid way, any guesses on which one I took? Yep, not the longer way. The foot print of the building was such that it created a few "L" shaped corners all the way up the building, in one such spot was the opportunity to step to the other side of the roof and get to the units quicker. Problem was that you had to step across a gap that provided for a 23 story drop to the ground. In my defence, it was a small gap, a step really, so if you can take a normal sized step you were gold. Just don't look down...and check the wind before lifting your foot. So step across the chasm I did and finished my journey to the HVAC unit. I waited for Danny as we took the long way...the look on his face when he realised what I had done was awesome. In truth that's what I was looking for...his reaction. I might have mentioned that my humour is for me, I don't really care if anyone else finds it funny I'm amusing myself...this step stunt was for my amusement as well. I'm not much of a follower and really only a leader at work...I prefer to make my own path, if someone is there in front of me, fine, let him be in charge. And if someone is behind me...I didn't tell him or her to do that. He spent the rest of the day berating me for taking a risk like that and I wondered what would happen if I tied him up in a closet for the afternoon. Fuck...chill man.

This story my mom now knows about, I told her the truth just this year....30 years later. Once again we are back at the apartment complex and Danny and I worked a few nights a week doing light janitorial duties. Mostly we were face first in our arms sleeping at the lunch table while listening to Judas Priest on his huge 80's boom box. On one such shift we had actually taken off to go buy records downtown. I know...wtf right. Whatever, that's minor to some of the crap I pulled over the years. Case in point...

We would often have friends come visit us while we were working, or not, such as it was. On one such occasion one of our friends, named Dino if I remember correctly came up with his mom's old school station wagon, wood panelling and all. The styrofoam Big Mac containers were probably still falling out of it back then. Now, I don't know why we decided to do what we did but it must have seemed like a good idea at the time. We got on the back steel bumper, yes they were steel back then, held on to the roof rack and Dino was to drive us around the parking area. Before I go on I should mention that A. I was holding a can of freezing spray, a paint size can of spray that would enable you to scrape gum off of surfaces and B. Dino is a maniac. He hit 50 km/h up on that traffic circle, turns and all. So there I am holding on for dear life with only one hand fully engaged because of the damn can. I knew I was soon to fall off, I was sure as shit going to get flung from that car. So I decided to do a controlled crash landing type of thing. Think about that for a minute.....Yep, I jumped off. Insert shocked emoji. I reasoned, in a fraction of a second, that it would be better for me to control my crash and maybe I could get away unscathed. Well, I hit the pavement at what ever speed he was going and actually managed to keep my feet moving fast enough to give the impression that I made the right choice. I'm sure it was only a second or two but as is often the case, time slowed down in  that moment, my feet were carrying me across the driveway. Shit, the curb is coming I should slow down...bad move...that curb is dangerously close and it seems that I am falling down. Ouch, curb is getting closer....fuck that hurts, was that a gasp I heard....OUCH. Silence. I skidded to a stop with a couple of inches to spare before my head would have smashed into the concrete curb.

What I remember next was pain, groaning and Danny berating me, again. I should have locked him that closet. Miraculously nothing seemed to be broken but I was bruised and bloody, pavement is funny that way. And in considerable pain. What did I tell my mom when she picked me up after my shift, I fell off a bike of course. This came as no surprise because I have had my share of bike "accidents". We went home got bandaged up a bit and tried to sleep but I was into much pain. She ended up taking me to emergency to get treated. I missed that next day of school and showed up a day later with my arm in a sling and a lot of hidden bruises. Danny thought I was looking for sympathy and I left myself wondering, really, why didn't I lock him up. Buzz Kill

So you can understand that I am surprised that I am still alive, these kinds of stories are just a small sampling of the stupid things I have done. Some under the influence but most not...my brain works funny. Or maybe it doesn't and all of us are like that to a certain extent. I wasn't alone every time I threw caution to the wind...partners in crime there were. What I will say, and this should come as no surprise, no regrets what so ever. I suppose you can trace a line through all the events in my life to where I am now and say, yep..I get it, makes sense now. Who knows but it certainly does provide for some funny stories.

Ciao
D