Kavorka and Things Unseen

A thousand years ago a bunch of us were sitting around a patio table enjoying a few drinks at somebody's house. Peter, Caesar, Wendy, another girl I don't remember, Debbie (my ex's cousin) my ex and myself. After a few drinks Caesar decides to play a little game that I'm sure he pulled out of Cosmo. I ended up getting myself into trouble because of my filter issues with this little exercise. No real surprise I guess.

We were asked to assign a person to the colours that Caesar was about to read off. For example, when I think of green I think of Peter...and so on. No real thought to this, just react...word association using colours and real live humans. The data was collected, studied and ready for dissemination and analysis.

I don't recall what the other colours meant or who was chosen but when it came to the colour red, which according to Caesar was supposed to signify who you wanted to have sex with, I was the overwhelming choice of all the women (save for my ex...go figure). 75% of the women at the table wanted to have sex with me....touchdown!!! Unfortunately that is exactly what I did, I threw my hands up in the universal signal for a touchdown. The ex was not amused. Everyone else was, but not so much her. In the interest of fairness, I didn't pick her either...a harbinger maybe?

No, I chose Wendy. Why? The allure...that indescribable pull to one person over another. She reminded me a little of Alanah Myles, long black wavy curls, smouldering eyes and bit of the devil in her. To me, she was stunning. But beauty wasn't even her biggest drawing card, she was intelligent. A big beautiful brain to go along with those looks...perhaps the ex could see I was smitten so when I threw my hands up in mocking celebration it was simply the nail in the coffin. I know it's July but someone turn the heat up, this patio got cold all of a sudden.

Wendy had the Kavorka...the female version of it at least. That mythical Latvian word for the lure of the animal. The desire to posses and be possessed, that one person you can't resist. True? I think maybe there is something to it to be honest. In my four years of single life I have heard and seen some crazy shit in the dating world. It's going to be a book...at least I keep saying it will be.

What attracts you to someone? A warm smile, kind eyes, hair just so? Sure, that all matters but for me it has to be more. Be genuine and authentic. Be real. Be warm and funny. Be engaging. Be intelligent. Be yourself. It's never one thing of course, the whole swirling mass of what it is to be you forms into a desirable, attractive, alluring person. It seems easy to list but hard to define...and to that end it becomes hard, some say impossible, to get to the real reason of why it works with one person and not another.

Having said that, I also believe the following to be true....we are our own worst enemies when it comes to finding a happy and healthy relationship. We overthink, a lot. I mean really a lot. We look for the easiest path and a lot of times we aren't willing to put in the hard work. You know what? It's OK that it can be hard...I think it should be a little hard. And I also know that we have to let go of fear. Holding back, even a little means you're not allowing yourself to get kicked in the stomach. Be all in. And that doesn't mean proposing on the second date...it means taking down barriers to potential. We all have deal breakers to be certain, but we do need to be careful of having too many of them. We end up spending our time ticking off boxes instead of investing in the other person and the "us". All this from the divorced guy...I know, ironic.

So my lesson for today all you daters in the digital world....well, get out of your own way of course. Sure, be careful and be wary but don't let fear hold you back. You literally have no idea what could walk in the door the next time you sit down to have a drinky poo with a POF date. It could be the love of your life sitting across from you and you're going to focus on her hair? Do yourself a favour and don't.

Live without fear

Love without regret