Headliners

After a little rant and an ode to moms in honour of Mother's Day I feel a little mockery is in order...self mockery to be exact. In my favourite category of "why is he still alive?" I bring you this little example of how I used my head.

My mom will remember this better than me I'm sure but in grade seven my teacher, Mr. Reilly, asked to see my parents for parent/teacher interviews. That can never be a good thing. Not once has a teacher asked to see a parent and the student comes out looking great. And such was the case this time around. I should note that the three years or so that I spent at St. Dorothy's were what some may describe as my rebellious years, elementary time frame. I was constantly butting heads with teachers...Mr Howell especially, like oil and water he and I. But at least he never asked to see my parents, probably because he saw me as a lost cause. To be truthful I had no idea why my current teacher wanted to see my folks and it was bugging me. A lot.

The date of the inquisition came and our turn to go in and see Mr. Reilly was at hand. My mom asked where my seat was and, like the feeling you get when you know you're busted for speeding with the flashing lights in your mirror, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was so screwed. As I pointed up to the desk not only closest to the teachers desk but actually touching it my mom gave me one of those "wait till you get home looks". Screwed I tell ya. "Come sit down Danny" came the beckoning from that comb over. I slumped into my chair and tried not to look guilty as my mom sat in front of the teacher. 

Here's where things get fuzzy as I tend to tune out when people drone on, especially when talking about me. The general gist was that I wasn't working to my potential. I talked too much....hence why my desk was surgically attached to his own desk. The thought being, I'm sure, that he could reach me easier this way with a piece of chalk or a ruler. Obviously it didn't work and my mom sitting there with me and Captain Over Hang was proof enough. I was, and still may be, incorrigible. What I do recall was an odd twist in the conversation, I probably perked up because he said my name, "we know he's smart, he's just not engaged" Isn't that another way of saying I'm lazy? "Is it ignorance or are you apathetic, I don't know and I don't care"...that always makes me chuckle. It's always most enjoyable to have people talk about you as if you weren't there....I'm sitting right here jack off!!!

In any event, the time seemed to drag on and all I wanted to do was be out of there. The walk home wasn't entirely horrible as I think my mom took solace in the fact that the teacher thought I was smart...she and my dad could take care of the lazy part. Ha!!!! I figured I had dodged some bullets so I was relatively happy it was all over.

Fast forward a few months and our grade seven trip was being planned. Now, I have no idea what other schools were doing, like maybe going to Quebec or something like that but our school was sending us to a camp of sorts. Actually, in the winter it acted as an elite hockey camp facility and in the summer they rented out for summer camps. On the edge of a lake in the middle of God only knows where, we were going to spend four nights and five days getting to be at one with nature. With teachers to supervise us. It sounded horrible. In the end it was a pretty good time....and despite nearly decapitating myself I was a hero.

The powers that be had decided that this camp was going to provide a back drop for a competition. We were to be divided up into groups and certain tasks designed to test us mentally and physically were to form the bulk of the competition. The teachers, in their infinite wisdom had already picked the teams and the team captains. I was team leader for what could have been generously called the Big Bang Theory team. I mean I had a bunch of geeks and nerds on my team. I was the only one capable of any sort of sports like ability...this being way before getting into the other shape I am now, that is to say pear shaped. As class ended I went up to Captain Comb Over and asked him what the hell was going on. Please mix up the teams a little more would ya...you're killing me. He looked me in the eye and said I predict your team will win and they'll win because you're going to find a way to lead them. I wanted to bop him in the head with the chalk board eraser to my right. Are you fucked? David over there finds it difficult to walk and chew gum....how is he supposed to paddle a canoe or help in playing hockey? My powers of persuasion not being up to the legendary status as they currently are meant I was stuck with the pile of gomers.

So off to camp we went, not knowing what to expect and not entirely caring I ended up having a great time that week. We fooled around, chased girls a little, ate too much junk food and learned about nature and team work...we bonded as a grade, as a cabin full of boys and as a team that I was in charge of. How did we do you ask? Well...I don't know how, but we actually did win the weeks challenges to come out on top. And we did by playing to our strengths and working together. While I could hold my own in some of the physical challenges they were often paired with other more brainy challenges. Meaning while I was swimming out to the buoy and back and coming in third out of seven my cohorts were finding out where the larvae were while other team members were tying knots as per diagrams. A lot of the other teams didn't even know what larvae were...advantage team us!!

You see, that was the key, like a cup sinning team we weren't built around one guy only, we had a team to carry the load. Somehow I knew enough to not get in the way  of those attributes and actually played them up. Not only was I the deemed leader, I became the natural leader, so while other teams that had two or three alpha dogs on it were arguing over who should anchor the race we were quietly running our race. Mr Reilly saw or sensed something in me and I rose to the challenge, sharing the glory with my team. To this day that is what I try and emulate. I may be the general but my guys make me look good because they do a bang up job and most importantly I trust them to do the job. That's Mr Reilly!!

But wait, this was supposed to be about my near death experiences. Yes, well....uhmmmm....errrrrrrr. While I said I could hold my own in the physical challenges you must also remember that I was some sort of special stupid in the ways that I could do damage to my body. In no particular order I remember falling out of the top bunk a few times, taking a slap shot to the groin area during a ball hockey match, being chased by some wasps as I dived into the lake to get away from them, dancing with a female teacher that made me uncomfortable and most notably, nearly taking my own head off.

On the Thursday, the grand obstacle course was the final challenge. It was a series of tests and obstacles that tested us in all ways. to be able to move on you had to complete certain tasks or find certain things. As we were given the agenda I saw that the final challenge was a paddle across the lake to a small island where we needed to capture the flag. I was going to paddle with one of the girls, Marissa I believe, and I needed the rest of the team to get to me first to allow for a chance at victory. I was matched against guys like Ricky and Steve. Both were friends of mine but they were the guys that walked around school in Rep jackets from the minor hockey league. They were athletes.

So as we waited with paddles in hand to see who round the corner to the docks first I was quite nervous. In theory we should hit the water first, and if we did, we had a chance to win it all. So it was quite exciting to see our team round the corner leading by quite a bit....the tag was made and off we went for our paddle. Marissa kept me posted on how far back the other teams were and it didn't seem like a big enough lead to me but we managed to get to shore first. Not bothering to throw off our life jackets we bolted for the centre of the island, running as fast as we could to capture that flag. Running, straining, puffing hard we could see the opening ahead...we were almost there...trumpets were sounding...glory to us all...smack!!!! I had run right into the rope that was used to demarcate the home base. As it was described to me after I came to, the sight of my feet flying out in front of me as my forehead hit that rope was one of those things that would last a lifetime. Yeah, that's great. We're you the moron that strung up a rope at eye level? A brownish/green rope, like the flora and fauna around us? Nearly invisible to a guy with poor vision?

Thankfully the fact that my momentum carried me into the inner circle and Marissa had grabbed the flag meant we did the impossible...we won. And the rope burn scar across my forehead was all the trophy I needed. That night, as the prizes were handed out, Tim Balderserra winning the astrology award for pulling the most moons and me nursing my tender noggin, I realized that maybe Mr Reilly had stacked our team. Given us the edge despite what it may have looked like on paper. It was quite the learning experience.

The next day we bussed home to finally shower like humans and bask in our glory. The look on my moms face when she saw me open the door for her as she returned from work was priceless. Joy at seeing her son replaced quickly with horror at the scar on my forehead...you know how moms are.

Thanks again Captain...lesson learned.

Ciao

D