Shit

FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!!! I know at this stage of my life I shouldn't be surprised that there are more people I know that are battling you, you feckless thug...but it doesn't make it any less painful. You piece of excrement. You fucking bastard of a douche bag scum sucker!

I find myself shaking my fist at cancer again because that's all I can do right now. I awoke to the news that an old friend from high school is battling this scourge. Those overwhelming emotions that are, unfortunately, coming too frequently when faced with the news that someone close to you has that dreaded "c" word as part of their daily life now.

The uncertainty, the fear, the dread. Not only for yourself but for everyone around you. The  unfathomable prospect that a parent might have to face the cruel reality of burying a child. The sadness of a child possibly not having a parent by their side. A spouse facing a life less full because of a missing partner. Every other person in your sphere of life that would be saddened and helpless in the gaze of this menace.

For me and my own experience, what made me most emotionally basket case like was the thought of the "what might be". The fear of not being there for my kids, to see them grow up and become the people they will become. To not have my parents and my sister as constants in my life. The loss of what was to come with my friends and family. I wasn't afraid of dying, I was afraid of losing my future.

This bastard changes you. In some ways for the better as I feel a greater appreciation for the adage that life is too short for this shit. If anything this blog is a testament to that understanding. But it also forces you to face, in a very real way, your own mortality. We all know we're going to die but to have it possibly snatched from you by biology is too much I think. As humans the fight or flight response is inherent, and when you can't run away from something like this you want to fight it. And I think the fight matters in the way we see what we are facing. Attitude matters to how we see the battle going and I do believe that it can affect the outcome. It may not win the day every time but it still does change the equation.

So, for you my old friend and for everyone else that has had to deal with this terrible disease, Let this expletive laced closing bring a smile to your face....you got this and we got you.

Hey, fuck wad cancer! Yeah you you piece of shit, I'm talking to you. Let you in on a little secret that you may or may not know about...you're a fucking asshole!!! Eat a dick. We don't want you here, we don't like you and you smell funny! If you were drowning and I had a life jacket in my hand, I would set it on fire and hold it up for you to watch as your only chance for rescue went up in flames. On top of that I would get 14 inch fire hose and aim it at your gaping mouth to speed the process along while my friends tossed cinder blocks at your head. In short.....FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!