For all my shenanigans and anarchist lite tilt, I really haven't been in trouble with the law much. Save for driving infractions that run from speeding to what is known as dangerous driving or stunting nowadays, I have been quite lucky that I haven't been caught much less punished. The few times I have been forced to speak to the fine men in blue would have been either minor or pure happenstance.
Like the time my friend Danny and I were picked up on New Years Day walking though a blizzard back to my place to watch football. We were coming back from a brutal shift at work...dish pit for 600 people please, still hung over from the previous nights fun. I'm sure we looked suspicious as hell to the local constabulary. In the back seat we go. And we get the 20 questions. I had nothing to fear because I knew I didn't do anything lately that would warrant a warrant. Danny was pretty nervous though, maybe he was packing heat? In any event, as the fine officers drove us home they asked about a series of break ins in the area. Nope, don't know who could be doing such a thing sir. Sure we'll keep our eyes open. Are you crazy...I'm pretty sure I knew exactly who was doing it and I knew I wouldn't say a thing because that guy was as crazy as a loon and would stab you for looking at him the wrong way or wearing a Blue Jays hat. Go ahead man, take the stereo and my mom keeps her jewellery in the left drawer...ha I got out of the blizzard for a few minutes and that was that.
My driving exploits were a totally different beast entirely. For certain I was guilty every time I was stopped and probably for more than they had ever seen prior to pulling me over. I am very confident behind a wheel. I drive safe in my mind and I am aware of what I and my machine can do. So I never felt that any of the stunts I had pulled were even remotely unsafe. I could see them unfolding like Gretzky see's the ice. My dads Chevy Nova was my faithful steed. Plastic seats that burned your ass in the summer. Would still run even if you pulled the key out of the ignition. Trunk was covered in some sort of tar like substance that would cover the cases from our instruments and could beat my buddy's Camero in a drag race. Dad, if you're reading this, the statute of limitations has passed.
So, one fine night I was driving home from Burlington to my place in Etobicoke. I hurt myself just saying that sentence, so shut up. It was the end of a long night at the end of a long week working at a golf club way out there. It was mothers day, and for those of you that know, you know what that means. Stupid busy. It was about 2:00 am because I am sure we sat around after work with a couple of pints shooting the shit as we usually did. Clipping along at my normal 130km/h I was over tired and I knew it. Windows were wide open, music was blaring and I may have been stabbing myself with a pocket knife I used to have. Doesn't matter...I can fall asleep in a dentists chair while he works on me...so I'm pretty sure I dozed in and out while driving. Sadly a common occurrence back in those days.
Coming home along the 401 there is a long sweeping left curve as I merged onto the 427. Somehow I made it without hitting anything or launching myself off the overpass. I say somehow because I don't remember doing it. I was on the 427 and didn't remember the last five minutes. Nothing. Right there I came to the conclusion that I was better off doing 50 on a road as opposed to 130 on the highway. So off I went, driving up Martingrove road very late in the evening. I came to a red light. I noticed there was a car next to me and behind this car was a police officer. Don't fall asleep! Don't fall asleep! Don't fall asleep! Don't fall asleep! So I promptly fell asleep. When I awoke I saw a green light so I proceeded through the intersection. Uh oh. I just ran a red light. Seems the green light I saw was the opposing lane of traffic. I had a micro sleep and just ran a red light. Sure enough the cherries are going off and I pulled right over.
I should mention that the last ticket I had had pushed me to the brink of losing my licence. One more infraction and I was without access to a vehicle. I knew I was dead...no excuse, no hope of salvation. I still don't know why I did what I did but I did it. When I pulled over, almost by instinct I got out of my car. The police car hadn't even pulled up behind me yet and I was scoping out my car looking worried and confused (ok, the confused look is natural). When the officer finally got over to me I was running on reflex. "Sir, what are you doing?" he asked. I'm sorry officer, this is going to sound strange, but I thought I was hit from behind and that's why I pulled out...I was trying to get out of the way. So I figured something on my car made a noise. I'm kind of tired from work and all, but I swear I heard and felt something. And then he did the craziest thing, he started looking around my car as well....looking seriously for the cause of the noise. Uhmmmm, ok then.
After a few seconds, he turns and says"maybe something in your trunk moved?" Oh, you know what, my knife toolkit is in there, maybe that moved. I still had my work clothes on so maybe he made a connection. I opened my trunk and showed him the big red tool kit. Ignoring the obviosu how does an idle car have something move around in it...."Hmmmmm, strange." Yeah is all I could muster. I'm really sorry about this officer.....he stops me, "licence and registration please." Total deflate....sir, I hope I'm ok, I know I'm tired and all that but I really can't afford to get another ticket. "Don't worry, just need to check."
Uhm....phew. He comes back a minute later, hands me my papers back and wishes me a good night. Holy Hannah Batman...how the hell did that happen. Don't fall asleep! Don't fall asleep! Don't fall asleep! Don't fall asleep! I made it home without further incident. About as lucky as you get. Except that I was even luckier another time....but that's a story for another day.
See....I flirted with but never really paid the price on a legal basis, unless you count speeding tickets and crap like that.
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