If my calculations are correct, this past Monday was the two year anniversary of something going amiss with my eye. A shimmering blurring of my vision alongside a sort of dark arc across my field of view led me to text my MD sister. With dire warnings of detached retinas and strokes she badgered me into going to the get it checked out. The rest, as they say, is history. At the time no one would have thought it was what it became but I consider myself lucky that I did show symptoms of something that night. Because ten days later I got the news, on December 28th, ocular melanoma. Pardon me? You have cancer in your eye. Well, what the fuck! Fuck Cancer!
And there it was and here I am. Still alive and doing well. I may never have perfect clear vision in that eye again, scuttling my dreams for a motorcycle, but I am here talking about it. And so much more.
I won't delve into it all again as this blog has done a decent job of conveying my thoughts and emotions at the time and since. What started as an attempt at shaking my fist at something, anything, has turned into a vehicle of self expression and rant therapy. Nothing is off limits here. And while it began as a very private but effective way of speaking out it has morphed into a public way of expressing whatever may be on my mind at the time. As is evidenced by the 230 plus posts in the past 23 months, anything and everything is up for discussion. For better or worse, warts and all, it is something that I have come to enjoy very much.
I guess the milestone serves as a marking line for the graph of my life. "You see, here is when you could really see the changes taking place....right here (pointing at some spot where the x and y cross)" As you well know I don't deal in regrets very often, or ever, but I do think about the "what ifs". The road not taken makes me wonder about what might have been. Not just recently of course, but always. The choices made and not made that have brought me to here, the where I am...not in Memphis but here. Not a lawyer but here. Neither alone or with someone, but here.
Life is funny. Life is complicated. Life is messy but in the end...life is beautiful. And I really do believe that and I think, in the end, that is one of those things that I like the most about me, that I have a mostly positive outlook on life. I don't sweat the small things, actually I don't sweat much of anything, and I like that the "nice guy" is doing alright through it all. Far from perfect but quite comfortable in how life is unfolding.
Maybe I will pour myself a drink on the 28th with a resounding "fuck you cancer!" but I think I am more interested in what's next. Where is it all going and what will it bring? To me, to my family and to my circle of friends....time will tell I suppose. And while I am in some ways celebrating being alive, I pause for more then just a moment of thought for people dealing with their own crap.
Fitting perhaps that this "celebration" falls at this time of year, a time full of mixed emotions mingled with expectations, food and too much glow wine....the "perfect Christmas" is rarely perfect for everyone, often far from it. The simple truth is that it is a cruel joke that times of celebration can also be times of despair. Feelings are heightened and emotions are in full force when you can't help but see that your brothers and sisters are not feeling the joy as Hallmark and West Jet have laid out for you.
So while my first toast will be to fucking cancer my second raise of the glass will be for my family and friends that maybe need a hug or a shoulder to lean on. Thinking of you all.
Ciao
D
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