Man of the Hour

I've never really been one to wonder too much about legacy. I think I equate the word with grand designs and buildings adorned with someones name that may or may not be actually remembered. We all know who Rockefeller and Roosevelt were but do we all know who the IWK is named for and why? Does it matter? I suppose to some people it matters a great deal, personally I'm at peace with my relative anonymity so I'm not overly concerned with that version of legacy.

What of my true legacy though? Of course this about my kids and with another milestone celebrated today, my sons 20th birthday, it seems like a good fit for my thought process. Such as it were. The lyrics to Man of the Hour noted here contain one or two ideas that got me thinking in real terms. A) How will my kids remember me? and B) What do I want them to remember? I don't know how much control I actually have over any of this as my kids will remember what they want to remember. Being relative free thinkers they will think as they wish. I know over time the message will change, mature and grow into something else but I do hope in the end they come away with the positives.

Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness

Crashed and on their way

Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away

A snowflake falls in May.

And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out

'Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow

Goodbye for now.

Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land

Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend

Old men comprehend.

And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town

They'll all come around

Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow

Good bye for now.

And the road

The old man paved

The broken seams along the way

The rusted signs, left just for me

He was guiding me, love, his own way

Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow

As the curtain comes down

I feel that this is just goodbye for now 

Pearl Jam

Though far from a perfect man I'd like to think that my "little birds" will take away the real life lessons that they would have seen and heard with me as their father. The stupid jokes and somewhat funny stories. The absolute belief in being at peace with yourself and happy in your life. The work ethic. The embrace of plurality and free thinking. These to me are the important things. It's not if I was famous or rich, it's about the manner of man I was when I leave behind this life for....for I don't even know what. 

Where, when and how it all comes to an end can be questions that cripple you if you let them. Even when diagnosed with cancer I spent very little time worrying about whether or not I was going to die. If my prognosis was negative I probably would have been affected differently but I can't see it as something that would have debilitated me, I'm just not wired that way. I know that I have thought of the end in terms of what I am willing to put up with as far as quality of life and what kind of celebration I'd like to have when ready to kick the bucket as opposed to having kicked it already. In my mind, a life celebration is much more relative when I'm still, you know. alive. Given the opportunity I would have the big send off, a gathering of friends and family, a few libations, good food, music and of course, stories. 

All of this somehow led me to think of the movie St. Vincent. A wonderful film starring Bill Murray, give it a go sometime because I think it's a winner of a film. There is a scene near the end when the little kid that Vincent befriended is nominating him for saint hood...

“On the surface, my choice is the least likely candidate for sainthood. He’s not a happy person. He doesn’t like people and not many people like him. He’s grumpy, angry, mad at the world and I’m sure full of regrets. He drinks too much, smokes. He gambles, curses, lies and cheats. And he spends a lot of time with a lady of the night. That’s what you see at the first glance. If you dig deeper, you’ll see a man beyond his flaws. Mr Vincent MacKenna, growing up poor, learned all the things kids shouldn’t need to know: fighting, cursing and gambling…In Vietnam, he heroically saved the lives of two wounded officers and carried them to safety. He was awarded a Bronze Star for his bravery.”

Punctuating the notion that just seeing the surface of someone isn't seeing the whole of them. I think we are all flawed in this way, our prejudices, our notions, our assumptions give us shelter and all the ammunition we would ever need to sweep away someone that doesn't fit our idea of "sainthood". I hope in the end the people that will be looking back on my life, on my legacy, will remember Oscar Wilde:

“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”

I faltered often, I chose the wrong path a few times but in the end I did more good than bad. Although, I must admit...some of my bad was pretty damn good.

Ciao

D