Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

As is the norm at the turning of the year, we tend to reflect and look forward on our lives and the state of affairs near and far. Strengthened by the arbitrary Hallmarkish holiday season and the pablum that is forced down our throats from the get go, I think it's second nature to do so. And as I've said before, that's not a bad thing as long as it doesn't cripple us in any way. Reflection is good, it's a way to learn from experience and hopefully point a way forward. Use it as a waypoint in our lives to take stock and maybe look around a bit, smell the roses or smell the crap, such as it is.

I'm not one to make resolutions so I won't be making any promises to you, or myself for that fact, that are probably destined to fail anyway. Leave that little bit of nonsense to all the people that will be crowding the gyms on January 2nd and promising to swear off the devils juice for good. I on the other hand will promote more sharing of wine and food with good friends. The convivial spirit will remain intact. And since "wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." (Thank you Ben) who am I to deny his or hers loving gesture. Salut!

I think it goes without saying that 2017 was a trying year for the world around, both small and large scale. I think the steady bombardment of news at our fingertips and the polarizing effect that has grown ever more rapidly around us makes it seem that it may have been the worse year ever, but I don't think it has been. Alongside the negative there is quite an array of good things that have happened. Not to diminish the buffoonery that is Drumph and his enablers, how could I after all? He has sucked the oxygen out of the entire world after all, with his daily twit storms and lies upon lies being spewed forth like the projectile vomiting circa 1989...ugh. Or the daily stories of mass killings, sectarian violence, religious blood baths, environmental calamities and the ever present 1 percent that, as a whole, are seemingly counting their money and plotting for more. Just that for every "bad" thing that happens you can, if you look, see a lot of good out there.

Logic dictates that it's a fools hope at play here but I'm nothing if not a fool. So there. We hope for the best to rise to the top. We hope that Drumph is kept in check long enough to give reasonable people time to do something about it...maybe we are even doing things to that end. The resistance is real and sometimes it even works. But what's an average bloke to do faced with these almost insurmountable odds? I don't know to be honest. I do know that perspective matters, state of mind matters and choice matters....so having skin in the game becomes a matter of degrees, a matter of being pushed to the red line and no further. Standing between that devil and that sea and saying no more. That's when, as they say, the chips are down and you have to throw down. And that's when I think of this quote...

“Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.”

Carl Sagan

What comes next? What will 2018 bring? What will be be talking about in the days and weeks and months ahead? Will there be a defining moment for us to point at and say, "you see, there it is." Who knows but it will be interesting to find out. The home of ours, the lives we lead...the one constant is that it always moves on. Our world is on chapter 4 billion and something, chapter 50 is about to start for me, and I think it's just starting to get interesting truth be told.

Happy New Year my friends
Ciao

You're Not Where You Think You Are

You go through life knowing that there are things in life that you are completely sure of like longitude and latitude, the sun rising and setting, people losing their limited ability to drive at the first dusting of snow. You expect these things, you know they will always be there, and like a well worn sweater you find comfort in the surety of it all. The original comfort zone if you will. That water is coming out of that tap hot, the kids won't speak to you all day until the second you get on the phone and the cat will pounce on your bladder at 5:15 in the morning on your only day to sleep in. I would imagine many of us take comfort in these certainties, and Christmas rituals may very well be one of our most prized of these.

Growing up as immigrants in Toronto, our Christmas and New Years rituals always seemed to be a work in progress. Maybe it was the creation of the hybrid Serbo/Croat/Canuck Christmas morning that we were in the midst of but it seems that every year was a little different from the year before. We moved a lot growing up so maybe we were reinventing things as we went along in the search for "our" traditions. Later on, when I met my ex new traditions were introduced to make her feel welcome. Stockings and turkey come to mind. Both things that we never really did. I ate, lamb and duck and pork at the holidays....not turkey. And I still don't get stockings so as of this Christmas I am starting a new tradition. It may only last this one year but it will be unique, as my kids would expect coming from me.

And there in lies my thing today. Driving back from the store on Christmas eve I listened to one radio announcer talk about what she cherished most at this time of year. Her family tree was decorated not with store bought ornaments but keepsakes gathered over the years that all held a story or a memory. Hanging the ornaments evoked nostalgia and brought her pleasure. My first thought was, how nice that was and what a beautiful sentiment it was. And than I thought that I was somehow a failure at the whole Christmas thing because, in my broken relationship aftermath world, I didn't have that anymore. That little bit of self pity ended three seconds later as I sped along because I have different things that matter to me. Not to take away from the announcer in any way, or anyone else that has "traditional" things that they look forward to. Not at all. Simply that as my journey continues on, one of the things I have come to learn is that it all changes. The only thing I can count on for sure is that there will be love around. And food of course. After that, as long as we are happy and healthy nothing else really matters.

This will be the first Christmas that my daughter is out living on her own. Inevitably that changes things and that is OK. Our morning rituals have changed quite a bit over the past five years with the changes that happened. Without a doubt the first few years were the hardest as we all had to adapt, harder still on the kids because the adults had destroyed the one thing that they probably believed to be certain even more than longitude and latitude. Resilience and adaptation to ones surroundings is evolution in a nutshell, and they evolved as did we all. For my part, I don't put expectations on this sort of thing anymore other than to do my part in making it a happy occasion. Leave the stress elsewhere, because really, life is too short for that kind of negative aura.

You look at a map and think that you know what you are staring at until you come across something completely different, the Peter's Projection map instead of the Mercator and your world is a little different now. Well guess what? That happens all through life so we might as well get used to the idea. I believe a measure of that understanding is helpful in progressing through life with some semblance of sanity. Even longitude and latitude are now different, so really you're not where you thought you always were. It's OK, we'll all be fine.

So today I find myself at work, serving turkey's to go to people that either can't or don't want to make their own bird. No wallowing in self pity because I have to work or anything like that...and the funny thing is, the other people here with me today are fine as well. Maybe they'd like to be curled up in their onesies or ugly Christmas sweaters but they understand the bigger picture, and since the boss is here as well...what the hell right.

Later on I will gather up my brood to start our time together. We will have Christmas tunes and movies in the back ground. Perhaps some classic Vinyl Cafe stories or Fire Side Al's The Shepard. Too much food will be made with leftovers all around. We'll exchange gifts and go on as we always do, not far from each other, comforted by the knowledge that we are all together and grateful for what we do have.
 
So, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Seasons Greeting or Happy Festivus...whatever you wish.

Ciao my friends
D

Tell Me a Story

What's going on in that picture? Who are they? What are they talking about? What has their attention so firmly?

Well, who they are is easy, since I happen to know. The lady is Emma Castro, sister to Fidel and the gentleman is Gabo, Gabriel Garcia Márquez. The other questions? Who knows, could be just about anything. Discussions of rebellion and passion? Secret communiques between Gabo and Fidel with Emma as an emissary? A recipe for butter tarts? OK, maybe not the last but that's the point, it could be just about anything.

Disney made a fortune assigning human characteristics and emotions to cartoon animals because we like to see ourselves in others and seemingly in animals, cartoon or otherwise. When we see a cute picture of a sloth "smiling" at the camera, is that what is really happening or is it seeing what we want to see? Do we see reality as it is or as we want it to be? I don't know. What does it matter anyway? We're seeing what we want to see, which is a discussion for another day.

I like to think about the lives of those people and what might have been happening. That picture, a moment frozen in time could be something innocuous or something profound or simply somewhere in the middle. Like looking at old photos of your parents, seeing them as young teens or adults, before they became mom and dad. What were they thinking, dreaming, feeling? You can only use your own prism of experiences to view them through, but it should make you wonder at what the back story really was.

Back in the day I would, from time to time, ride the subway for no particular reason then to watch people. Kipling station out to the east end of Scarborough and back, just to observe. I would make up rich side narratives of what I thought peoples lives were all about. I recently did this very thing in Montreal. Nestled into our booth with good wine, good food, good music and good company, we observed a few people near us and built rich back stories around our perception of what we were seeing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you never know what that person across from you is going through. Everyone has their own story and their own set of circumstances they are dealing with, the good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe taking that into consideration, even just a bit, will make our little corner of the world that much better. Help us to be better versions of ourselves by taking the road towards the greater good...you don't know what battles are being fought, so why add to them? Be a better person, if only for yourself but really, in the end, it makes the world that much better.

I often find myself wondering about this. So much so that I feel maybe, just maybe, I am going to get to the point that I am going to openly solicit stories from complete strangers. Sit down next to someone and simply say "hello, tell me a story." See what happens. Other than charges of one kind or another, perhaps a punch to the throat...what could possibly go wrong? On the other hand, imagine the rich possibilities out there. I imagine the things to be learned would be surprising and possibly profound.

Our lives, as intertwined as they are, are affected by all the interactions we have on a daily basis. The other day I helped an older lady by grabbing a shopping cart for her, giving her mine and then grabbing one for myself. Not a big deal in any way on my part but maybe it brightened her day a bit, seeing that there are still polite people out there. Or maybe the lady watching this unfold in front of her while she sipped coffee was reminded that maybe she should call her mother. Or maybe she was simply staring into nothingness and thinking about her day ahead and didn't even "see" what was happening. Regardless, and without agenda, I simply did a nice thing and moved on. I'll leave the rippling effect to the universe to figure out.

Go ahead, tell me a story.

Ciao
D

Raising a Glass

If my calculations are correct, this past Monday was the two year anniversary of something going amiss with my eye. A shimmering blurring of my vision alongside a sort of dark arc across my field of view led me to text my MD sister. With dire warnings of detached retinas and strokes she badgered me into going to the get it checked out. The rest, as they say, is history. At the time no one would have thought it was what it became but I consider myself lucky that I did show symptoms of something that night. Because ten days later I got the news, on December 28th, ocular melanoma. Pardon me? You have cancer in your eye. Well, what the fuck! Fuck Cancer!

And there it was and here I am. Still alive and doing well. I may never have perfect clear vision in that eye again, scuttling my dreams for a motorcycle, but I am here talking about it. And so much more.

I won't delve into it all again as this blog has done a decent job of conveying my thoughts and emotions at the time and since. What started as an attempt at shaking my fist at something, anything, has turned into a vehicle of self expression and rant therapy. Nothing is off limits here. And while it began as a very private but effective way of speaking out it has morphed into a public way of expressing whatever may be on my mind at the time. As is evidenced by the 230 plus posts in the past 23 months, anything and everything is up for discussion. For better or worse, warts and all, it is something that I have come to enjoy very much.

I guess the milestone serves as a marking line for the graph of my life. "You see, here is when you could really see the changes taking place....right here (pointing at some spot where the x and y cross)" As you well know I don't deal in regrets very often, or ever, but I do think about the "what ifs". The road not taken makes me wonder about what might have been. Not just recently of course, but always. The choices made and not made that have brought me to here, the where I am...not in Memphis but here. Not a lawyer but here. Neither alone or with someone, but here.

Life is funny. Life is complicated. Life is messy but in the end...life is beautiful. And I really do believe that and I think, in the end, that is one of those things that I like the most about me, that I have a mostly positive outlook on life. I don't sweat the small things, actually I don't sweat much of anything, and I like that the "nice guy" is doing alright through it all. Far from perfect but quite comfortable in how life is unfolding.

Maybe I will pour myself a drink on the 28th with a resounding "fuck you cancer!" but I think I am more interested in what's next. Where is it all going and what will it bring? To me, to my family and to my circle of friends....time will tell I suppose. And while I am in some ways celebrating being alive, I pause for more then just a moment of thought for people dealing with their own crap.

Fitting perhaps that this "celebration" falls at this time of year, a time full of mixed emotions mingled with expectations, food and too much glow wine....the "perfect Christmas" is rarely perfect for everyone, often far from it. The simple truth is that it is a cruel joke that times of celebration can also be times of despair. Feelings are heightened and emotions are in full force when you can't help but see that your brothers and sisters are not feeling the joy as Hallmark and West Jet have laid out for you.

So while my first toast will be to fucking cancer my second raise of the glass will be for my family and friends that maybe need a hug or a shoulder to lean on. Thinking of you all.

Ciao
D

Music Head

Do you have a theme song? One song that, if you had to choose, encapsulates you the most? I, for one, can't think of one for myself. One song that is me? There are plenty of songs that are defining in their own way, important to me for any number of reasons but I'm hard pressed to pick one...save for maybe the clown theme music from the circus. Sooooooo, what songs are significant to me? In no particular order and with no explanations (if you want one, ask) here is a tiny tiny smattering of songs I love. Drop the needle!

Sing Your Heart Out - The Trews
Kiss Me You Fool - Northern Pikes
Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day
I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
Closer to the Heart - Rush
In the Cage Medley(live) - Genesis
Waiting on a Friend - Rolling Stones
Woman in Chains - Tears for Fears
2112 - Rush
Xanadu - Rush
La Villa Strangiato - Rush
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison
Bossa Nova - Elvis
Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
Talking out of Turn - Moody Blues
Ahead by a Century - Tragically Hip
Bobcaygen - Tragically Hip
All I Want is You - U2
Where the Streets Have No Name - U2
Bad - U2
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot
Marriage of Figaro - Mozart
Fairy Tale of New York - The Pogues
No Women, No Cry - Bob Marley
Life in a Northern Town - Dream Academy
Down by the Crazy River - Robbie Robertson
Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen
Poison and Wine - Civil Wars
Sinnerman - Nina Simone
Rock and Roll - Velvet Underground
Old Man - Neil Young
Check it Out - John Mellencamp
Minutes to Memories - John Mellencamp
Take the Long Way Home - Supertramp
Have You Seen My Skates - Lennie Gallant
Paradise By the Dashboard Light - Meatloaf
Lost Together - Blue Rodeo
In The Valley - Midnight Oil
Everyday People - Sly and the Family Stone
Number of the Beast - Iron Maiden
Hoedown - ELP
Ah! Leah - Donnie Iris
Magic Bus - The Who
Sound of Silence - Simon and Garfunkle
It's My Life - Talk Talk
Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin
Burning Love - Elvis
Shelter from the Storm - Bob Dylan
Don't Walk Past - Blue Peter
The Weary Kind - Ryan Bingham
House of the Rising Sun - The Animals
Shine - Junkhouse
Biko - Peter Gabriel
Rumble - Link Wray
Blackbird - the Beatles
A Day in the Life - The Beatles
Imagine - John Lennon
Just Like Starting Over - John Lennon
Wolves - Big Wreck
Lover of the Light - Mumford and Sons
Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

As I started adding songs to this list even more started coming to the forefront in my mind. The sheer magnitude of influential music to me is impossible to quantify. I could just as easily simply list albums here and have the same effect. Additionally one can easily see my sweet spot or comfort zone with what I gravitate towards by this list. Of course there is so much more...so much more. You see, I may have to stick with the circus music idea as my theme song as I would have oodles of trouble finding that one song that best defines me. Perhaps on my death bed the inspiration will come. Until then I will be listening to these and so many more for the next 30 or 40 years. Being inspired, moved and entertained by the sheer brilliance of some amazing artists and what they have to say.

Do you have that one song?

Drop the needle!

Ciao
D

Say What

Communication is everything they say. Not sure who "they" are but I tend to think "they" are right in this case. It's interesting how communication has developed, different tools and methods of expressing oneself, how things get misinterpreted and the fallout there after. In an effort to be open and honest with people we sometimes run into situations that would have made it to a Three's Company episode with the ridiculous misunderstandings....people are funny.

In this way, I think a lot of us use idioms and cliches because they are what they are and because they are easy. While casting about for something to say we reach for old favourites because they are well known and we almost instantly can recognize the message contained within. When I am trying to convey a bit of dime store wisdom to my cat it might go like this...

"Listen Boots, you can't cry over spilt milk, it is what it is my furry friend and we simply have to understand that shit happens. The ball is in your court now and you're going to have to shape up or ship out before I let the cat of the bag. I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore, you need to look at this as a blessing in disguise."

I'm not really saying anything specific but my cat should understand what my message is. Not unlike the interviews between periods with hockey players that say varying versions of the same things across the board. You know they are reading from the same playbook. Just once I'd love to see Sidney Crosby say something like "well Bob, we're down a bit right now but I think that maybe we're lucky to be down only by two goals. We are stinking the joint out right now and if I can be more direct, if Kessel doesn't start skating and maybe, you know, hit a few people instead of being a fucking cherry picking goal slut we might be able to mount an offence that doesn't look like my grandmother trying to get out of bed after an 8 hour sherry bender."

Reaching for an old saying or a well worn phrase can be a place holder. A way of contributing to a conversation without really contributing. And I would argue that it's OK to do so in certain situations, say the non important work and social conversations that happen every day. Walking by someone in the hall at work..."hey, how are you?" "I'm doing well thanks, how about you?" as we continue to walk in opposite direction. Not listening or hearing. Or my favourite, "not bad for an old guy." I don't think anyone actually wants to hear anything past that in these situations. "Hey, how are you?" "Well, I'm OK but I think I might have a case of scabies going on right now, not to mention the fact that I owe $2000 on a cock fight last night. But how are you Jack?" Stick to the banality. And know your audience.

While idioms and, by extension, cliches are easy to use and can be quite useful in a wide range of circumstances they detract from real communication, the kind that can get down deep with people. If you've read any of my posts you know the world of dating and relationships provides constant fodder for this blog o' mine. The ups and downs to a degree but more what I am learning through it all. One of those things, which I have known all along really, now just on a deeper level, is that being able to brush aside the pablum and space fillers in a chat is what makes for some wonderful possibilities. It's being able to communicate with your partner, your family and your friends that sets things apart. To use my best friend as an example, we can range in topics from Drumph and his machinations, the trouble that is caused by the religions of the world, the Leafs, grief of a lost son, ultrasonic tests on composite materials, sushi, Willie Nelson and poop stories. We get each other and we do so because we can communicate. We don't agree on all things but we have enough common ground to have a solid foundation. Over the years we have built up our own version of the stealing horses key to success, it can make no sense to some others and we really don't give a fuck. We are ourselves and provide zero fake moments. That, in a nutshell, is what all relationships should be built on. In my humble opinion. 

So, I think it's time to put my nose to the grindstone and get back to the drawing board.

Ciao
D

Echoes

"No one can change the sound of an echo" 

I told you I would come back to this the other day. I liked this quote and I couldn't put a finger on why at the time so I decided to leave it be. And like an echo it kept playing in the background, there but not really there. Straining to be heard and understood, or maybe it was me simply wanting to understand it better.

The imagery of time and reverberation of ones actions and words is what I feel when I read that quote. Like skipping a rock over the surface of a still pond, the ripples have expected and unexpected resonance. Science can explain the expected ones, nobody can predict the unexpected ones. A light breeze, a fish swimming near the surface, a butterfly flapping it's wings in China, who knows really and for certain not all echos will be understood. The same can be said for words spoken out loud. You can't take back an angry word, a hurtful insult. Think about it for a moment, I would venture we have all been on the giving and receiving end of a mean word and how it has stayed with us over all these years. There have been times that I wish I could have sucked those words back into my mouth before they did the damage they did, but unfortunately, despite my super powers, I was not able to. Be it a hyped up argument where emotions got the better of us or simply because of an ill timed thought or, worse, a desire to hurt someone for whatever reason, the end result is the same. Once you have seen the wooden nativity scenes on peoples lawns as an epic battle between two dinosaurs over a table saw you can't unsee it, just as you can't unsay what you just said. You cracked the glass, you pulled the cover back to reveal your thoughts and that shit sticks.

And try as you might, the sincerest apology is not going to change the fact that you broke the covenant, you set in motion a chain of events that no one can tell you how it will play out. My ex wife, before we were married, called me a jerk once. And it bothered me then and it bothers me now. Not only because it was undeserved in my opinion but because it spoke to a certain kind of attitude and way of thinking I simply didn't and don't care for. 25 plus years on and this still echoes with me. Words matter. They always have and they always will.

I suppose this plays against the backdrop of all that is going on around me. the fuzzy cloud of all of life's vagaries, seemingly on full display. Not just for me but for others as well. Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's the world or maybe it's simply echoes from the past bouncing around. 

Photo courtesy of my dear friend Margo

Ciao
D