Losing It

Love lost or love never realised? Either way the love is gone. Uh oh, what the hell is he going to go on about now? Actually something only a few people know and even less understand. I said I was going to be honest with this thing and if you look above under the title I pretty much told you that I was going to ramble and muse out loud. So there.

My very first foray into the real reason high school exists, a social gathering with libations and hormones, was in grade ten as I recall. Somehow one of the geek guys I was friends with convinced me to go to someones house party. This was a huge departure for me as I had always been the socially inept somewhat quiet but brilliant outsider. See what I did there, slipped in the brilliant part. Going to a party with people was new. Not that I hadn't indulged previously but it was a small group of friends, where a six pack could get four of us hammered type thing. This departure promised to have it all, people, including girls, beer and music. With more than a little trepidation I went forth and tentatively stepped into what would become the new me.

I rode my bike to my friends place and we walked the rest of the way to the party. Someone handed me a beer and the night unfolded. I must say here that I remember nothing of the party save the stupid sweater I had on and her. I wasn't drunk I was smitten, so nothing else mattered. Oh, the sweater was one of those early 80's confused geometrical shaped and bright coloured lines things...maybe they will make a come back but hopefully not. Her name was Connie, and Connie, if you somehow end up reading this, my apologies.

I don't recall how we ended up talking that night but we did and it was kind of special, we shared words through the music and chatter around us. The conversation wasn't about the weather and who was getting drunk and doing who, it was about real things that seemed to matter to both of us. And that my friends is the hook for me. Sure, be beautiful but be engaging more, I love a big brain and in those few minutes we had made a connection that wasn't based on our hormones as much as wanting to understand the other person. If you're wondering, nothing happened that night, not even a hug. I did mention I was shy right. I also remember mentioning that I always ended up making friends with girls I was interested in, thus negating any chance of anything ever happening...this is important to the story by the way because nothing ever did happen.

The party ended, we walked back to my buddies house and I rode my bike home. Well, first I rode it into the back of a parked car that I didn't see and than I rode it home...slightly bruised up from landing on the trunk. And life went on. I went to a large high school and I don't recall talking to Connie until sometime later the next grade. She travelled in different circles and I don't even know if we shared any classes to be honest....not the point OK.

Sometime in late grade eleven another house party happened and this was the second step in the life altering course thingy, I got really inebriated. I danced, really badly with other drunk guys to Alexei Sayles Didn't you kill my brother. Wow, stupid us. This is where the basis for our relationship, Connie and I, was started. We became friends but always in the back of my mind I remembered her from that first party, soft eyes, dark hair and quiet passion. Bit by bit we became closer through the next couple of years. We talked at school and when we got home we talked on the phone, all the time. I don't know if she ever knew how I felt about her and I was conflicted about what, if anything, I should do or say. I really loved her as a friend, she called me out on my bullshit and made sure I was being me and we were each others confidants about all sorts of things. We got each other. Just not romantically. And we were in the friend zone.

The only person I ever confided in with how I felt was my best friend Danny. Yes, the locked in the closet guy. So you can appreciate how what I am about to tell you really fucked me up at the time. Connie threw a little house party and as usual it was just us, the gang of 16 that hung around together. At some point Connie whispered that she wanted me to stay back after the party to talk....uhmmmmm, sure. My Spidey sense was tingling for sure. So there I am pretending to help clean up as everyone is leaving and we sit down to have the talk. I remember the pain in her eyes as she spoke, "I like someone and I think you know who it is" You know how stupid I can be over things that should be as simple as the sun coming up, but I had no clue what she was talking about, and furthermore my heart jumped a few beats thinking that she may be talking about me. "I like Danny a lot".....Oh, I used to go by Danny in high school by the way, and I actually pointed to myself and said, not this Danny right? Hold on while I get that rather jagged knife out of my back. What? What the fuck did you just say? And why are you telling me? Ready the next knife...."I think he likes me as well but he won't do anything because of you" Ouch...stop doing that will ya.

Pause for thought here, I am supremely stupid in many things, but this one takes the cake I think, because as I reasoned, I was Connie's friend and friends help each other out, right? So while you shake your head in disbelief I agreed to talk to Danny to seemingly give them my blessing. A few things became instantly apparent to me. I wasn't going to get the girl in this case, more people knew about how I felt for Connie then I thought, I am blind as bat and certain people weren't being honest with me. No soup for you ass hole.

So yes, I did talk to Danny. Feigned concern for me aside I was blunt in my speech, she likes you that way and not me. That's her choice and now yours if you want to pursue it, I have nothing to do with this anymore. Except, obviously I did, because I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots. Over the next few months they both talked to me about the relationship. "It's so hard, we fight all the time", "I don't know what the other wants"...really, and why are you telling me this? Because they knew I was an idiot and I tried to help when they asked for it. All I ever did was be the guy they could talk to. I never offered advice that could have been interpreted as self serving, until the very end when my advice was taken as just that. Total cluster fuck but that's what you get for being in the middle of two friends that became lovers. A few more ounces of grey matter and I would have told them while I can still be friends with them they should refrain from including me in any discussions about the other one....oh well

I don't look back at the what ifs as you know, nor do I wish she had ended up with me instead of him, that's life and shit happens, but I do wish we were still friends. Maybe I'm crazy and can't see that a friendship would be an impossibility but why does that have to be that way. I'm friends with women I have dated since getting divorced. Most of us are adults and can handle the fact that the romantic didn't work out but the friendship can. I suspect I know the reason and it is inconceivable to me that if it were the case that it would be possible to think that way but then again, my brain works funny.

So Connie, I hope you're doing well, your heart is the same and you have all that you wish for. I miss the person I knew 30 years ago, the one that challenged me, got me and allowed me to get you.

Ciao
D