Looking back, the decision to leave the church a few years ago was a long time coming for me. Much like my marriage, staying in it was about other people, my kids and my ex specifically. The desire to project "normal" and avoid the black sheep label that I probably had anyway plus the fear of hurting those that I cared about kept me going...halfheartedly.
I grew up going to Catholic schools, both elementary and high school, the whole uniform, prayers to start the day, religion classes that only dealt with one religion (go figure) and so on...everything a budding mind needs to be controlled with. It really didn't work obviously as I sit here thinking about attending church yesterday with my kids. Work schedule conflict found me bringing the kids to mass and sitting in with them to keep them company.
And my observations from this slightly uncomfortable hour? Things haven't changed much for me and my way of looking at church...and to be clear, any church. I do not have any desire to return to the flock, not missing it in any way and yesterday, like previous times I have gone, confirmed that for me. I'm more than OK the way I am now and the argument for attending church and following one religion over another holds no sway with me.
If you've read some of my posts you should have seen that I really don't give a crap what you want to believe in or subject yourself to. I subscribe to a "you do you and I'll do me" kind of mantra. Don't use your beliefs to look down upon me and don't try and convert me..to anything. And this goes for atheists as well, who can be just as fervent in their belief that you should follow them in following nothing....who would have thought that atheism could be a religion unto itself? After that, do as you wish...if you want to discuss and talk intelligently, debate even...great, I love that...otherwise, find a new topic of discussion with me. You won't like my response else ways.
There is a certain regularity that I have found in masses that I have attended...similar traits and mannerisms of people that show up that run the gamut from devout true believers to the tag along spouses and kids. They are pretty easy to pick out. Funnily enough, the people in the middle are the ones that bother me the most...but more on them later. First, this...
I may not agree with the beliefs of the truly devout but I can respect their freedom to believe in what they believe in. Who am I to say they are lesser than because of their faith in things unseen? If it brings them comfort and joy fill your boots I say. Enjoy the ride. The devout that use their faith as a way of lifting themselves above others (those middle dwellers)...well, you have another thing coming. If there is a god one can't imagine that he/she or it would want you to step on others to be closer to the supreme deity..it just doesn't make sense. A god of good and love would be a god for all people, not just those that follow one sect or another or those that don't believe at all...god is all loving, so the holy scribes will tell you. And I know...before you pull out the man is imperfect argument on me let me respond thusly...fuck that shit. Man is man, sorry humans are humans and your argument goes out the window the second the humans being made in gods image clause gets invoked. See where I am going with this....god damn hypocrisy!!! That is one of my biggest issues with religion in general...speak out of both sides of your mouth much. It makes me crazy and in the end is what was the final straw in leaving the church all together (look up bishop Lahey), though one can argue that god already knew that I wasn't devout so no big loss for him/her or it.
The other middle dwellers are the ones that come for show. To be seen and to see, often only for special occasions, perched close to the front taking up real estate where the vicar can see them and church elders can make the proper notations. I'm not saying they are inherently bad people, some are very good people actually, but their use of this supposedly sacred gathering for swelled egos and status is a tad askew if you ask me. When I was younger my parents would, once a month and on special occasions, drag me to a Croatian church in the downtown area. This church going venture I hated more than regular church for here, on full display, were the Croatian peacocks of the area. Best suits, best dresses and funny hats with all the bling you could wear. It was ridiculous beyond reckoning...the Croatian flag fluttering up front as doors were opened and closed, the Croatian national anthem being sung...WTF. I imagine it's like that in all churches that have a strong ethnic population but it would seem to be a tad limiting to people of other nations looking for a place to weather the storm...segregated flocks. And I do get it, I'm dumb but not that dumb, if you share some commonality with a group of people you might want to worship with them,,,hear the language and remember. Hell, if church was a chance to get together with old friends from high school and reminisce about our weekend shenanigans, I might consider going...just leave out the preaching.
The other thing that I seemed to pick up more of yesterday was how shitty the church seems to want to make you feel about yourself. It may be the domain of the Catholics but holy hell batman, I know I'm not perfect but to call me a sinner and shameful, tell me I'm not worthy and the kingdom of heaven will be denied to me....but I love you sooooo much. It's a wonder I didn't run away when I was younger. Probably a testament to the fact that I wasn't really paying attention to the words and their meaning in the first place. Seems an odd way to promote the loving god but as I sat there not praying I could see that in the end it's all about control. In one way or another religion is about two things...trying to explain the unexplainable to those that need something to believe in and then controlling those people afterwards. Schlepping through the middle ages, priests would wander from town to town absolving sins and collecting silver and gold. Since they were the few that could read they could tell those that couldn't whatever they wanted. "You slept with your goat, I see it says here in this fat book you owe 10 gold pieces..go forth and sin no more". Sure padre.
And in the end what does it mean? Nothing really, not even a hill of beans. I'm happy the way things are unfolding for me now and if it doesn't fit in with a preconceived notion of how I should or shouldn't be...too bad. And to those that might wish to use their beliefs as a reason for a holy high ground over me or anyone else, have fun with that, you may find later in life or at your death, that god didn't really appreciate the fact that you used his/her or its name in that way....I believe that's called Karma.
Ciao
D
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